Right now, life

[telecom_goddess]

I just don't know how much more I can take. I don't even know where to start with what life is handing me right now.

-- My sister, who is quite a bit older than me, is now at the end of her life and in hospice care. This is in another state and I can't get there to see her before she goes. It's just a waiting game to hear when she's gone.

-- A friend of mine, who is very important to me and who I have a wonderful energy with, is in jail short term. He is due out soon but he's being harassed and bullied by other inmates and is wavering in and out of being suicidal.

-- I'm having anxiety to the extreme, most likely caused by these factors and the fact that I don't want to live with my bf anymore and don't know how to get out of it without it being financially bad for me. Plus I really don't want to hurt him but I just don't know how much longer I can deal with him.

I don't generally come on here and whine about my life but fuck this is too much.

[HYHYBT]

Wow.

Any one of those is an amply heavy burden to justify talking about. (Not whining, because it's not.)

Praying for all of you.

[Nekojin]

I can't give advice on the first two points - they're pretty much wait-and-see situations, and you already know that.

On the third point, if you're sure the relationship is over, end it fast and end it hard. Don't be rude or obnoxious, but make it brutally clear that there are issues that the two of you will never get past, and that you're moving on. Even if the place you're in is your place, accept the fact that you may have to move to get out of the relationship (Unless you personally own the property solely in your name, in which case, evict him if he tries to dig in his heels about moving out).

I recognize that might make finances tight (or even impossible), but that will pass, especially if you can find a new place to live quickly. The actual act of moving will be the hardest part of it.

And I know that this advice is hard to follow when your finances are entangled to any degree (such as sharing an apartment). But it won't ever get easier if you put it off... it'll only get harder.

[telecom_goddess]

Sigh. I can say one thing I am NOT moving anywhere. I pay for that apartment and everything in it. I'm trying to drive him out but it's not working so far. The thought of talking to him about it just gives me the willies.

[Nekojin]

Sigh. I can say one thing I am NOT moving anywhere. I pay for that apartment and everything in it. I'm trying to drive him out but it's not working so far. The thought of talking to him about it just gives me the willies.

Which is why I said even if the place you're in is your place, accept the fact that you may have to move to get out of the relationship. It's an entirely too common problem, with an Ex not wanting to move on.

Also, I glossed over this point a little before: Don't try to avoid hurting him. Obviously, don't go out of your way to hurt him, but unless your relationship is ridiculously strong (such that you can move back into being good friends with ease) or very weak (such that you realize that you already broke up a long time ago, and now you just have to divvy the belongings), it's going to hurt. There's pretty much no way around that. And if you don't make it clear to him that it's End Of Line, Program, he's probably going to try to "fix" what's wrong.

Edit: If he's not on the lease, try serving him with 30-day eviction papers. That might serve as a wake-up call, and gives you the legal strength to force him out with the assistance of the police if he continues to be stubborn.

[telecom_goddess]

Edit: If he's not on the lease, try serving him with 30-day eviction papers. That might serve as a wake-up call, and gives you the legal strength to force him out with the assistance of the police if he continues to be stubborn.

He is on the lease.....so does that mean you can't do that still?

[Nekojin]

He is on the lease.....so does that mean you can't do that still?

If he's on the lease, and refuses to move, it takes some tremendous effort to get him forced out. It's easier to move, and let him get evicted by the landlords. Once again, you should seriously accept the fact that you may have to move yourself in order to rid yourself of this relationship. It's easier to control yourself than to try to force someone else to do what you want. That's one hard lesson I learned a while back.

To put it another way: Anything worth doing is worth handling personally, instead of waiting on someone else to do it.

[Andara Bledin]

It's much more difficult if you are both on the lease. Some places will force you to move (even if just to another unit) if the original lease-holders change. Alternately, if you're not bound to the lease currently (typical month-to-month auto-renewing, for example), you could have the lease changed to only your name and not his. That, in itself, would be a good indication that you don't plan to have him stay there for the long-term.

That said, I would suggest against the "driving out" or "push him away" or any of those routes. All they will do is send mixed-messages, and the longer you lead him on (because you are leading him on every day that you know the relationship is over and don't tell him), the higher the potential for there to be problems when you finally do inform him that you aren't a couple any longer.

Also, the longer you fret about it and don't deal with it, the more stress you will have worrying about what might happen.

^-.-^

[Gravekeeper]

I'm with Andara on this one. I've been in your position before. It needs to direct, upfront and swift. Otherwise it will just fester into resentment and confusion until something even worse happens that will permanently damage the relationship and any possibility of a friendship after the relationship.

In my case it festered and something bad happened ( she did something to hurt me ) then it turned messy. She accepted she should move as she was in the wrong, but was really vindictive about it just the same and tried to take it out on me financially. As she needed someone to blame for her own mistakes. I had to use legal measures to ward her off from trying to leave me on the street ( if she couldn't have the place, she was going to do enough damage to my finances to ensure I couldn't keep it >>> ).

It was most unpleasant and took about a year before we salvaged any sort of even lukewarm friendship. But it could have been much different if she had come to me directly months prior instead just letting things fester or trying to drive me off. I mean, I was well aware our relationship was on its last legs, but could not talk to her about it because she did what you're doing. Tried to distance herself or drive me away.

Chances are he knows something is wrong, but because he doesn't know what that something is, its just going to start festering resentment and confusion between you until the actual break up ends up being the breaking point where it all blows up. Then everything will come out at once and it'll be a clusterfuck. -.-

[SkullKing]

I wish I could help, but I think everything I could say has been said before.

So I wil just wish you good luck.

Talk to him, I know it can be terrifying, but odds are the more you wait the worse it will be.

Feel free to PM, is you want someone to talk.

[telecom_goddess]

Thanks everyone....I will take all of that under consideration. Today I'm just trying to hang onto my sanity and not fall into a panic attack. My main concern out of the three issues going on right now is my sister. Waiting is so hard

[Canarr]

My main concern out of the three issues going on right now is my sister. Waiting is so hard

Is there no way to set up some sort of Webcam-communication? It's not the same as a personal visit, but it might be a way of saying goodbye.

In any case, good luck to you on all three issues.

[telecom_goddess]

Is there no way to set up some sort of Webcam-communication? It's not the same as a personal visit, but it might be a way of saying goodbye.

In any case, good luck to you on all three issues.

Not really. She's on steady morphine now with someone watching her....it's going to be anytime now.

[Jaden]

As somebody who whines about my life way more than anybody on here probably wants me to, let me just tell you that I understand and I'm sorry for what you're going through. Anything I could say here would probably sound banal, but please feel free to PM me if you need somebody to talk to.

[telecom_goddess]

As somebody who whines about my life way more than anybody on here probably wants me to, let me just tell you that I understand and I'm sorry for what you're going through. Anything I could say here would probably sound banal, but please feel free to PM me if you need somebody to talk to.

It wouldn't sound banal at all and I appreciate it thanks.