Myself: Part 2

[Jaden]

God, I am pathetic.

It was almost a year ago when I first started coming back here. Where am I now? I have a shitty job, which is an improvement over no job...but overall, I have not really improved. I am on medication which has stabilized my mood somewhat, but really. I spend most of my time wondering about everything I've done wrong. All the things I've said or done...I used to have ambitions, somewhere, a long time ago. I've failed at everything I've ever striven for. I wanted a career, and I couldn't overcome myself to keep working towards that - I had to drop out of school for my depression. I wanted a girl, more than anything, but despite everything that transpired between us, I can't have her either.

I am such a cliche. Sitting here drowning myself in alcohol and chain smoking =/ I don't even like cigarettes...but they help calm my nerves when I've been drinking and God knows I need as much of that as I can get. Fuck.

I'm tired of being a failure. I'm tired of wallowing in the fact that I am a failure. I'm tired of being unable to pull myself up to the point where I can work towards not being a failure.

I'm just...so...tired

[HYHYBT]

Have you tried *not* drinking?

[Jaden]

Yeah, I tried it for about 22 years. It didn't work for me any better.

[protege]

Jaden, don't be so hard on yourself. I know what it's like to have depression. It sucks. Is there anything that you like to do, that could take your mind off of things? For example, I build models, mess around on the computer, work on the car, anything to keep my mind from sitting idle. That seems to be when I start having those sort of thoughts.

[blas87]

My medication has helped it so everything that used to hurt me so much....hurts less. I still experiene plenty of disappointment or letdowns, but I've come to expect them, so it's almost like I care a lot less and can cope easier.

[BlaqueKatt]

I'm tired of being a failure. I'm tired of wallowing in the fact that I am a failure. I'm tired of being unable to pull myself up to the point where I can work towards not being a failure.

7 billion people on this planet, and I have not a single person that cares if I live or die, not a single person I can call and say "want to catch a movie/talk?", I haven't left the house except for work, in almost 3 years.

No friends.

No family.

That is being a failure(welcome to my life), you have people that care, I have a cat that's dying of cancer, so I'm not even going to have that soon. Not trying to be bitchy, but depression can make you not see what you do have, which is more than some of us have.

[Andara Bledin]

Let me say just 2 things.

1: Depression lies. Don't trust it.

2: Nobody doesn't have at least 1 person that cares about their existence. See #1.

^-.-^

[BlaqueKatt]

2: Nobody doesn't have at least 1 person that cares about their existence. See #1.

this is incorrect, see above, haven't been invited out in 3 years, every time I call someone, or text, I get ZERO response, not even so much as "call back later, I'm busy, Go away" NOTHING, I'm pretty sure when you go THREE YEARS without talking to anyone, it's a pretty good sign no one cares.

Just because my experience =/=yours, does not mean it's not true.

The last person to tell me they cared, was plaidman. My sister hasn't spoken to me since I stopped loaning her drug money(4 years ago)-I'm not even sure she's still alive.

The last phone call I received was well over a year ago, last returned text-2 years, and I send them, and call people.

Last time I talked to anyone on FB messanger was Blas, a couple weeks ago.

[Greenday]

this is incorrect, see above, haven't been invited out in 3 years, every time I call someone, or text, I get ZERO response, not even so much as "call back later, I'm busy, Go away" NOTHING, I'm pretty sure when you go THREE YEARS without talking to anyone, it's a pretty good sign no one cares.

You didn't call me or text me to go out. Maybe you're just texting the wrong people.

[Andara Bledin]

this is incorrect...

It's partly a perceptual issue. You don't know where those people are so you assume they don't exist.

I agree with Greenday's assessment: It's not that nobody cares about you; you're just not in communication with them.

If you honestly and unemotionally consider the question, you'd realize that if truly nobody cared, then nobody would have responded. So, thus, I present (and represent) empirical evidence that your assertion is mistaken.

(seriously, if you'd ever like to chat, you can contact me on Skype. I'm on almost every evening and nearly always available to talk or just listen as the occasion requires - ID: andara.bledin)

^-.-^

[Greenday]

(seriously, if you'd ever like to chat, you can contact me on Skype. I'm on almost every evening and nearly always available to talk or just listen as the occasion requires - ID: andara.bledin)

^-.-^

And as I mentioned in my other thread, I have absolutely no life so I'm always online.

[BlaqueKatt]

You didn't call me or text me to go out. Maybe you're just texting the wrong people.

yes because calling/texting someone in another state to go out makes perfect sense[/sarcasm.]

and talking does nothing, I want to leave the damn house once in a while, with other people(severe social anxiety, so going out alone isn't an option)

It's partly a perceptual issue. You don't know where those people are so you assume they don't exist.

I agree with Greenday's assessment: It's not that nobody cares about you; you're just not in communication with them.

and quite simply, if I knew them I'd be in communication.

If you honestly and unemotionally consider the question, you'd realize that if truly nobody cared, then nobody would have responded. So, thus, I present (and represent) empirical evidence that your assertion is mistaken.

Not necessairily, being polite, and pressures of society can play a huge role. My spouse publicly acts as though everything is fine, however at home I'm ignored or told how he wishes I were dead.

[Jaden]

As am I. The last person to show they care about you wasn't Plaidman. I can demonstrably prove that's false. I won't post private conversations here, but at the very least, we have PMed a few times, and I've checked in on you every now and then, BlaqueKatt, and promised that you could talk to me whenever you felt like it. You've just never taken me up on it. Seriously, I'm not at all an emotionally stable person (obviously) but I'm a good listener, and I try to give good advice when I can.

[BlaqueKatt]

As am I. The last person to show they care about you wasn't Plaidman.

said=/=show.

and quite frankly, talking just depresses me, because for the most part, like now, no one understands, and tells me my feelings are wrong. I know a lot of people here have autism, but that doesn't mean yours is like mine, or your experiences are anything like mine. I can't trust what anyone says online,or over the phone, it's nothing personal, but people can pretend to be anything, even something they're not(one of my stalkers developed this way). Which is why I rely on actually spending time with people.

I've disappeared from online for months at a time, no one ever noticed, which tells me, they likely didn't care all that much. Especially as my personal info would take under 30 seconds to find.

[Andara Bledin]

If you refuse to trust that there are people out there who mean it when they say they care, then I don't see how it becomes anything other than a self-fulfilling prophecy.

^-.-^