Stop Preaching to Me

[Seifer]

My grandmother has Alzheimer's. She's to the point where she has trouble remembering that she's in her own home. Whenever she has this kind of episode, she needs someone to go and sit with her to make sure she doesn't do anything drastic. My mother and I spent all afternoon with her, and when we dropped her off she seemed to be catching on to reality again. However, not even an hour later, she's calling our house, confused again.

Now, we've been dealing with this for over 2 years. It's TIRING. Anyone who has taken care of someone with Alzheimer's can tell you how hard it is. So, we've stopped being overly sympathetic and have gotten to the point where we are forcefully telling her that she is HOME and she needs to stay there. Apparently, the way we talk to my grandmother is "rude" and "uncaring", according to my sister, who took it upon herself to preach to my mother and I about how we need to be more patient with my grandmother because of her condition.

This pisses me off because my sister is not the one on-call 24 hours a day. She rarely goes over to my grandmother's house to visit or sit with her, even when it's obvious she needs it. My mother and I, however, go over there almost every day to visit. I think from now on, when I get a phone call from my grandmother, I'll hand it right over to my sister and let her deal with it. Maybe after she's running over there 20 times a day, she'll understand why my mother and I aren't all smiles and sunshine.

[protege]

This pisses me off because my sister is not the one on-call 24 hours a day. She rarely goes over to my grandmother's house to visit or sit with her, even when it's obvious she needs it. My mother and I, however, go over there almost every day to visit. I think from now on, when I get a phone call from my grandmother, I'll hand it right over to my sister and let her deal with it. Maybe after she's running over there 20 times a day, she'll understand why my mother and I aren't all smiles and sunshine.

I know *exactly* what that's like. When my grandmother was having mental issues, she became a pain in the ass to deal with. Of her 3 children, only my mother visited her regularly and had anything to do with her. My uncle and aunt (Mom's older brother and younger sister) wanted nothing to do with any of it...unless there was money involved. They never came home, never tried to help out...but felt the need to give my mother (who was working full-time then) constant shit about how whatever she was doing to make Grandma comfortable in her waning years was "wrong."

Alzheimer's and similar conditions are very difficult to deal with. Mainly, because the person with them can't help it, and doesn't realize that it's annoying.

For example, Grandma would call my mother around 3am, asking to "go home." That is, she wanted to go back to the farm. Mom would tell her that the nursing home was "home." Grandma would hang up...only to call back a half-hour later. That went on, until my mom had her phone yanked. Grandma could call all she wanted...but all she'd get is the front desk.

There are times that I'd have enough and have to come home. I'd usually take Grandma to Eat & Park, maybe a drive through the park to look at the flowers. She'd start with the same question--usually "are you dating anyone?" over and over. Didn't matter what I'd tell her, she'd just forget and ask again.

It took all I had not to lay into her. I'd get feelings, like wanting to put the car into a telephone pole, just so she'd shut the fuck up I'd come home after spending time with her, and have to make a very strong drink just to settle down. It was frustrating as hell.

With that said, I know exactly how it is. It sucks

[smileyeagle1021]

Of her 3 children, only my mother visited her regularly and had anything to do with her. My uncle and aunt (Mom's older brother and younger sister) wanted nothing to do with any of it...unless there was money involved.

You just described my family with my Grandma's dementia. My aunt and uncle were more than happy to send money to help pay for a nursing home, but God forbid they actually take time to visit her. I understand that they live cross country and it isn't exactly an easy thing to fly in to visit relatives, but she is your mother, you could at least try to come see her (they finally came for Thanksgiving when the doctors said that she wouldn't make it to Christmas, but that was the first time in over two years that they had come to see her)... and yes, they do have the finances that they could have flown in to see her more often if it was a priority for them (both have 6 figure household incomes).
Yet they criticized my mother for not visiting more often and criticized me for visiting too often because it made them feel guilty (well fuckers, you both have airports in your city, there is a very easy way to solve your guilt)... not that it mattered, on her death bed she completely forgot that I had ever visited her and talked about how she was so greatful that her son visited her so often, so you're welcome Uncle. Of course, at the reading of Grandma's will, I had no problem telling him (in front of an attorney no less) that I knew beyond a doubt that grandma had left her record collection to me, her Native American baby drum that one of her friends who was a member of the Washoe Tribe made for her, and her stuffed animals, and that if he tried to contest any of those he would not leave the room alive (granted, the only thing that he would have even been interested in is the records, since there is a good chance that there is some monetary value to it... I don't know and I don't care, they are not and never will be for sale, so I haven't even tried to see if they are worth anything).

[Ginger Tea]

With you visiting so often and her saying her Son paid her so many visit's, it reads as if she mistook you for him, which sadly happens alot, they don't remember or know what their children look like now, esp as you say they hardly visited.

[protege]

Yet they criticized my mother for not visiting more often and criticized me for visiting too often because it made them feel guilty (well fuckers, you both have airports in your city, there is a very easy way to solve your guilt)... not that it mattered, on her death bed she completely forgot that I had ever visited her and talked about how she was so greatful that her son visited her so often, so you're welcome Uncle.

My uncle actually said something like that. Not to me, since I'd have ripped him a new one. He let it slip in front of my parents--I found out about it later. He was trying to deflect the fact that he couldn't be bothered to take care of his own mother. It was somehow *my* fault that he was making himself look bad. That's not the first time that he was an ass. When Grandma was lying in the hospital after her near-fatal '94 auto accident, he came up with this gem: "I'm a good Christian, and think that we should forgive the other driver." Keep in mind that the "other driver," had done all he could to try and get out of his responsibilities. The day of the accident, he was seen trying to unload his house, land, and anything else he could. Then the harassment campaign started. He'd call her house, but wouldn't say anything. He was trying to intimidate her to dropping the lawsuit. The guy showed up at the hospital, and got his ass promptly ejected from her room. He made the "good Christian" remark after all of that happened. My uncle said that at lunch, and it took all I had, not to jump over the table, and kill him with my bare hands

Of course, at the reading of Grandma's will, I had no problem telling him (in front of an attorney no less) that I knew beyond a doubt that grandma had left her record collection to me, her Native American baby drum that one of her friends who was a member of the Washoe Tribe made for her, and her stuffed animals,

I've seen this too. Things that nobody wanted when she was alive, became like gold once she was gone. My grandmother had an extensive collection of framed needlepoint pictures that she'd made. Both my aunt and uncle flipped when the ones they wanted...were "missing." Seems that Grandma would occasionally give them away to friends. I mean, how dare she!

I too ended up with a collection of old records. I ended up with my granddad's record collection. Grandma was cleaning up and asked me if I wanted them. They were brought home and put into temporary storage. Several years later, her house was being sold, and most of the furniture was given away. One of those items, an old end table, had a record player in it. This thing had *never* worked. At least, it didn't work as long as I could remember. She'd put a tablecloth and lamp on it.

For whatever reason, one of my cousins wanted that thing. When my aunt found out that I had the records, she flipped. Seems they were supposed to "go with the player." My mom's reaction? "If she wanted them, she should have come home more than once every five years!"

Then after Grandma died in 2010, similar crap went on. All of her things were put into storage after the funeral. My uncle and aunt wanted to "go through things and take inventory." In other words, they wanted to see if there were any valuable items. I have a feeling that I know what he wanted--Grandpa's WWII papers and other documents. Little does he know that I have them. Grandma gave me a huge box of items when the house was sold. I brought home said items, and carefully archived them. Last I heard, my uncle is still looking for that stuff...and no, I'm not going to tell him. After how he treated my family, he can go fuck himself.

[BlaqueKatt]

since there is a good chance that there is some monetary value to it... I don't know and I don't care, they are not and never will be for sale, so I haven't even tried to see if they are worth anything.

might be a good idea to get a ballpark appraisal for insurance purposes.