Being punished for trying to be a good person.

[Pointless]

Sorry for the whiney rant guys ... But I've got to let it out somewhere.

Things I hate:

I hate that, during the holidays, I have to leave my home to visit family. Moving to my new life here, is the first time in my life I have ever been happy. But I also hate feeling this way - it's selfish of me to feel like that. without family, I would never have gotten here in the first place.

I hate that I have to agonise for weeks over visiting home, and then the entire process; what I do at home is argue with family, work as a handy-man to fix everything that breaks while I'm gone, clean up the place, look after animals that I detest, having no one to talk to, having nothing to do. And again, I hate myself for feeling this way - it's selfish, I should be able to just do it. And I always DO do it - It just makes me miserable. I shouldn't moan though - others have lives that are worse than mine.

I hate that I'm the only one that has to do this - I've got a sibling in the exact same situation. He doesn't feel obligated to visit, because he is selfish. His reward is that he doesn't have to visit, and thus he is free to enjoy his life. Due to this, I'm the one that has to do the work, that could be shared between two. I hate the fact that he is rewarded for his selfishness, but me trying to be a good person rewards me with the obligation to continue.

I hate that I feel this way about the entire thing, and I hate that I can't even talk honestly about any of it to my friends. If I'm honest when I talk to them, I am unloading my problems on to them - this is the exact thing that I hate people doing to me, so whenever I do it I feel terrible. I also can't feel true empathy for their problems - all I can think, is I WISH I had their problems, their lives.

I also hate that I am so envious of my friends - why am I the only one in such a situation? Why does no one else have these obligations? Why me?
And such a thought is itself whiney. Self-pity. This is why I'm alone.

I hate that I have no escape from this - If I chose to be selfish, I would be punished in a different way; the reason I feel so obligated to visit and fix things for this family, is because if I don't, what if that person commits suicide, as has been threatened in the past? Well, then the problem is even worse - I am the one that will look after their children should such occur. I am the one that will be losing their life also. Again, another reward for trying to be a good person.

Anyway, I'm sorry. I thought venting could make me feel better.

[Nekojin]

The answer is that you need to reevaluate your priorities, IMO. First, you need to realize that you have to put your own happiness first. You just have to. If you're unhappy, your attempts to please others won't work - others will know that you're unhappy. It shines through in the way you do things, even if you plaster a fake smile on your face.

One of the most critical skills to learn in life is when it's okay, and appropriate, to say no. If you put others' welfare and happiness ahead of your own, you're sacrificing so much more than just a little happiness of your own. Your mood affects your health; if you're upset, you're more likely to succumb to illnesses and afflictions, which will make it even harder for you to be there for them when they really need your help. Furthermore, that discontentment over being put in such a situation can easily turn into outright resentment, and even hatred.

Take care of yourself first. Once you can find a stable center, a you that you're completely happy with, then start worrying about others. That's not selfishness, that's pragmatism.

It's not your responsibility to make sure that X doesn't commit suicide, or to take care of their children if they do. You're responsible for your own actions, not the actions of others. The only reason that you feel responsible is that they've guilt-tripped you into this position, made you feel that you owe it to them when you don't.

This may sound cold to you, but I've seen family members drive themselves into disability, poor health, and early death, because they were so busy running around trying to put out emotional fires that other people started. They wanted the whole family to be one happy, unified group of people, when that simply wasn't possible. And they, like you, complained at length about how it was hurting them.

Take care of yourself first. That's the only long-term strategy that makes sense. You can't be there to help others if you're the one that needs help. And despite how it might feel, it's not selfish to take this approach. Selfishness is taking care of only yourself.

[jackfaire]

Refusing to feel obligated an emotionally draining "family" isn't selfish.

Refusing to care about or have obligations to people that support and love you is selfish.

People threatening suicide to make you feel emotionally obligated is an abusive behavior meant to control your actions. It's right up there with your relatives telling you to be polite when you speak up because to them being polite means doing what they say and not standing up for yourself.

I speak from personal experience. I come from an abusive background. Most of my family are users. The only family member I even speak to anymore is my mom and I tell her when she is trying to emotionally blackmail me to back off.

If your family is like this they are abusive and all about using people they are not good people. Not for you. Instead embrace your chosen family those friends that support and love you without the need to resort to emotional blackmail spend the holidays with them and send your blood relatives a nice Christmas card wishing them all the best.