Me (again)

[fireheart17]

I know this isn't the place to rant about that sort of thing, but I honestly don't know where else I can rant. This isn't stuff on Facebook.

People are telling me that I can start having the positive self-talk and I can start feeling better.

Here's the thing though: the self-talk, the judging, the scrutinising, EVERY. LAST. BIT. OF. IT. IS. TRUE. 100% accurate, true and honest in every way. I have been asking myself "well, where's the evidence?" Here's the evidence:

-Those who judge and scrutinise are always mentally healthy. They know what's best because after all, whenever I say something about someone, it's instantly judged as being "in the head" and thus incorrect. Yet, whenever someone judges me and I call them out on it, I am instantly beaten down because again, they know better. They are intellectually superior and get great grades. Me? I get great grades either out of pity or a fluke. The saying around my uni? "P's get degrees"

-A normal person would be able to get a job easily, without having to worry about whether she's screwing up constantly and not being aware of it. A normal person would be able to screw up and nobody would make her feel guilty about it. I always seem to get called out for it, no matter what. Even if it's something as minor as a slightly unclean floor.

-A judgement-free person would be a healthy weight and be able to lose it instantly. She would be able to actually WEAR trackpants that fit her and don't fall apart from thigh rub. She would be able to go to the gym anytime and do things RIGHT, without feeling like people are judging her for using the machine correctly/incorrectly, or behaving correctly/incorrectly. She would also be able to go out and eat whatever, whenever, without feeling horrible, guilty or criticised over it.

-A normal person would never be bullied or abused by others, or become the target for doing so. Even just by existing, they seem to become the bully magnet and will continue to do so. Any attempt to speak up or out against the bullying or abuse results in it being dismissed, ignored or you are accused as a troublemaker.

-A normal person wouldn't be financially farked every fortnight and having to rely on welfare payments because her workplace won't bother to help her out give . Plus, they would never to worry about their job security being dependent on whether they tell their manager about their mental health status. Or whether that manager believes them.

-A normal person would be able to actually have sex in varying positions, without being in pain whenever she's on top or on the side. She would also be able to orgasm during intercourse, or not having to rely on sex toys in order to do so!

-A normal person does not let herself get sexually assaulted by two farking idiots who are much more superior than her and can judge her because they ARE intellectually superior. Who she then cuts out of her life, but turn out to have caused this whole mess in the first place.

-A normal person can actually CONTROL her diet AND get exercise and remember to stick to them.

-And finally, a NORMAL person can actually get to sleep without having random flashbacks to times when things have gone wrong or she has been told off over petty trivial things.

See, these are the things I can't do and I feel like I am judged upon them every day. When I end up thinking "normally", here's what happens:

-I end up eating junk food constantly, resulting in yet more weight gain. I'm well on my way to becoming a Size 32.

-I end up thinking I'm doing great, when the honest fact is that I screwed up in important ways that mean I have no opportunity of recovering from them.

-I end up being told by someone the actual truth about something and when I can look at it, ta-dah! they are correct! If I try and prove them wrong, they end up fighting back and continually proving they are right.

-Those people who judge me, actually turn out to be someone important or influential. They are the ones who hold the keys to my goals or my life and they are the ones who can control it. Example: I end up fighting back against my sister. Mum ends up making me feel horribly guilty about it and why I should never fight back against her. If I need financial assistance in the future, she's not likely to help me out unless I make amends with my sister.

[Kheldarson]

I'm not going to go point by point because that's not the point.

Here's the point: Even the most normal, average person can be the worst judge of themselves. Personally, I have great confidence in my abilities and talents, and very, very little in my looks and personality. I honestly believe that I'm not that great looking, despite Kabe telling me otherwise. I don't think I'm the nicest or greatest of person, despite others telling me otherwise.

Why?

Because, fundamentally, we know our flaws. We know the things that we hide away, that make us "not perfect". So we judge ourselves more harshly because we know this "truth".

About half your list are things that I struggle with myself. I overthink and take things personally and can get into a nightly panic over small things. My husband and I are currently on welfare. I can't find a new job because there's always someone better than me for the position. There are positions in sex that just plain hurt without some massive shifting around. And half of my work pants are also suffering from thigh rub (btw, the whole your thighs shouldn't touch if you're the proper weight thing is bullshit. Just sayin'.)

And I'd say I'm at a fairly "normal" mental state, given the drastic hormonal increase thanks to pregnancy.

That's not to say that you don't have issues (I've read your other threads and I do get that there are some medical issues), but when people say think positive or say that you're seeing yourself wrong, what they're really saying is that you're a bit too close to the subject to be truly objective about it.

Oh and I hope it gets better.

[Duelist925]

I know this isn't the place to rant about that sort of thing, but I honestly don't know where else I can rant. This isn't stuff on Facebook.

People are telling me that I can start having the positive self-talk and I can start feeling better.

Here's the thing though: the self-talk, the judging, the scrutinising, EVERY. LAST. BIT. OF. IT. IS. TRUE. 100% accurate, true and honest in every way. I have been asking myself "well, where's the evidence?" Here's the evidence:

This is something I have a serious problem with myself at times. So I'm gonna go through point for point.

-Those who judge and scrutinise are always mentally healthy. They know what's best because after all, whenever I say something about someone, it's instantly judged as being "in the head" and thus incorrect. Yet, whenever someone judges me and I call them out on it, I am instantly beaten down because again, they know better. They are intellectually superior and get great grades. Me? I get great grades either out of pity or a fluke. The saying around my uni? "P's get degrees"

Buullllll shiiiiiitttt. People who judge and scrutinise are just as fucked up, and have as many demons. They may be better at hiding them, but no one is perfect. And the people who jump on you with "in the head" shit can go fuck themselves with a rusty sword. If you got good grades, you worked for those. And that saying is so asinine it makes me want to laugh at the stupidity.

[quote]
-A normal person would be able to get a job easily, without having to worry about whether she's screwing up constantly and not being aware of it. A normal person would be able to screw up and nobody would make her feel guilty about it. I always seem to get called out for it, no matter what. Even if it's something as minor as a slightly unclean floor.[/unquote]

Have...have they seen the economy? It may be slightly easier to find a job than a year or two ago, but that isn't saying much. Finding a job is damn hard. And I have yet to see any job where people didn't get called out for screwing up. Even for minor shit.

-A judgement-free person would be a healthy weight and be able to lose it instantly. She would be able to actually WEAR trackpants that fit her and don't fall apart from thigh rub. She would be able to go to the gym anytime and do things RIGHT, without feeling like people are judging her for using the machine correctly/incorrectly, or behaving correctly/incorrectly. She would also be able to go out and eat whatever, whenever, without feeling horrible, guilty or criticised over it.

This is one of the more poisonous thoughts expressed--there is no way to lose weight instantly unless you feel like swallowing a few dozen tapeworms or getting surgery for it. Losing weight takes a lot of sustained effort (Both physical and mental) and time, and maintaining the weight-loss is only slightly easier. And of course there are going to be guilty feelings when people criticize you over something this asinine. When people jump on your ass...it tends to cause shit like that, especially in people who already have issues with self esteem and the like.

- A normal person would never be bullied or abused by others, or become the target for doing so. Even just by existing, they seem to become the bully magnet and will continue to do so. Any attempt to speak up or out against the bullying or abuse results in it being dismissed, ignored or you are accused as a troublemaker.

People are bullied, when everything is boiled down, for exactly two reasons: The people who do the bullying and abuse are assholes, and THE PEOPLE WHO DO THE BULLYING AND ABUSE ARE ASSHOLES. You are not at fault for other people deciding you make a decent target, anymore than you would be if someone decided you would make a decent target for a gun or for physical assault. It is not your decisions that cause it--it is theirs. Because they are assholes.

-A normal person wouldn't be financially farked every fortnight and having to rely on welfare payments because her workplace won't bother to help her out give . Plus, they would never to worry about their job security being dependent on whether they tell their manager about their mental health status. Or whether that manager believes them.

I refer you back to my point re: Finding a job. If you're job can't, or won't pay you enough or give you enough hours despite your efforts to fix this, it is not your fault. And depending on where you live, there may be laws regarding treatment of those with illnesses on the job, including job security. Do some research regarding your area--you may be protected.

-A normal person would be able to actually have sex in varying positions, without being in pain whenever she's on top or on the side. She would also be able to orgasm during intercourse, or not having to rely on sex toys in order to do so!

Sex is one of those things. It's like the sense of taste. No two people are exactly the same.

If you have a physical issue that prevents you from taking a variety if positions, that doesn't make you abnormal. Thats remarkably friggan normal. Bad knees, bad backs, muscle pains, or just plain discomfort for some reason or other mean that a lot of people dislike a lot of positions. Something as simple as a farked knee can take out a decent number of positions for either gender.

And the orgasm thing? Only about twenty five percent of women consistently orgasm during pure intercourse. The majority need clitoral stimulation to achieve orgasm, which is often provided by, yes, toys. Heck, there are a number of toys specifically to take care of that. Here's one.

This doesn't make you abnormal. The orgasm thing is so friggan normal it has its own toy line, and the position thing is so common that I don't think there's a single friend of mine who hasn't bitched about not being able to use X position because of a farked knee or elbow or something.

-A normal person does not let herself get sexually assaulted by two farking idiots who are much more superior than her and can judge her because they ARE intellectually superior. Who she then cuts out of her life, but turn out to have caused this whole mess in the first place.

No. No. Also? No.

Sexual assault is not the victims fault. It is not your fault. I don't care what anyone says. I don't care of friggan god comes down and says otherwise. Sexual assault rests, ALWAYS, on the people who actually DO it.

It is not your fault. These scumbags are not superior to you. Fucking hell, they're not superior to fucking pond scum. It is not your fault. It is their fault. They made a choice, and forced that choice onto you.

You would not be blamed if they had chosen to mug you. Why in the nine hells should you be blamed for them deciding to make their assault sexual?

It is not. Your. Fault.

-A normal person can actually CONTROL her diet AND get exercise and remember to stick to them.

I refer you to my previous point: Weight loss is HARD. Especially for someone whose already working, and having to take welfare subsidies. Eating healthy can be freaking expensive, and planning out a consistent exercise regimen around a work schedule is friggan hard. I know. I tried. I failed.

-And finally, a NORMAL person can actually get to sleep without having random flashbacks to times when things have gone wrong or she has been told off over petty trivial things.

Every single night, when I go to sleep, I turn on a YouTube play list, or a Blip playlist, of internet reviews or something. Because if I don't, I know my mind is going to do what it does when I let it think, alone, in the dark. It will go through a spiral of self loathing, anxiety, and outright panic, over things I can't control or fix right at that moment. Or stuff I CAN control and fix, but it takes a long time. Or just stupid shit I did that day. Or the day before. Or the year before.

This is not abnormal. I have seen so many simple comics or comments, with so many reblogs, about exactly this kind of shit. There are so many people who go through this, because their minds, your minds, latch onto one stupid little thing you did in a day--tripped, stumbled, burned a cookie--and that leads to another time something similar happened. And another. And another.

A tip: If possible,play music or talk radio, or something, somethin you enjoy listening to but won't keep you up. It helps keep my brain distracted enough that it helps stall that spiral I spoke of. It might work for you.

See, these are the things I can't do and I feel like I am judged upon them every day. When I end up thinking "normally", here's what happens:

-I end up eating junk food constantly, resulting in yet more weight gain. I'm well on my way to becoming a Size 32.

Junkfood is addictive.

It takes serious effort to maintain a diet and exercise regimen, a decent part of which is due to junk food being so friggan hard to quit.

-I end up thinking I'm doing great, when the honest fact is that I screwed up in important ways that mean I have no opportunity of recovering from them.

I'd need more info to go further into this, but...

Does this happen every single time? There's not a single time you thought you were doing great and...nothing was screwed up? Or the screw up was relatively minor and easily fixed? Not a one? Think about it for a bit. Theres a certain bias to the human mind--we tend to remember the results that stick out the most. We remember the shitty customers and the occasional saint, but rarely the ones who just move along. Same with our own actions and their results.

-I end up being told by someone the actual truth about something and when I can look at it, ta-dah! they are correct! If I try and prove them wrong, they end up fighting back and continually proving they are right.

Again, would need more info or examples to go further into depth with this, but again--every time? This happens to me, and it's mostly because I'm not that good a debater, especially rl. I tend to freeze up, and go on the defensive, when I need to remain cool, calm and clear. Perhaps you simply have a similar problem--stepping away from the situation to collect yourself may be required. Not a shame in that, and can be overcome with practice.

-Those people who judge me, actually turn out to be someone important or influential. They are the ones who hold the keys to my goals or my life and they are the ones who can control it. Example: I end up fighting back against my sister. Mum ends up making me feel horribly guilty about it and why I should never fight back against her. If I need financial assistance in the future, she's not likely to help me out unless I make amends with my sister.

This relates to the above a lot--its hard to defend yourself adequately due to the above issue, so you get labelled the troublemaker. Again, that can be overcome with debate style practice.

And if it comes down to it...a sit down talk may be required. Sometime simple,speaking with your mother about how she always seems to take your sisters side.

A calm sit down kind of conversation can help sometimes though it needs to be thought about beforehand and depends on the family dynamics.

Regarding others, again--simply work on your defense. If its online, step away for a bit before going back, gathering your thoughts and information, and replying. If it's RL...not as easy, I'm afraid. All I can say there is to try and remain calm, and refrain from going on the defensive if possible, while making your arguments and clarifications as needed.

Unfortunately, its not that easy sometimes, especially when it comes to people with some power over you. Practice can help tho, as stated before, even something as simple as going over the points you want to discuss or the points of your defense for a moment before responding.

And I'd like to echo what Kheldarson said: We are our own worst critics. I don't write nearly as much as I should, becase everything I write seems like drek. And is drek, because I don't write enough to practice. Catch 22, eh?

Its the same for our art as it is for our lives--there are none who will critique you more than yourself. To be balanced, you have to remember to give yourself praise when things go right as much as criticism when they go wrong.

[kamn]

I would address every single point, but Duelist got it for me.

I would like to address one thing though. You keep alluding to "normal" people. Can you show me a normal person? If by normal, you mean average, then no, 3/4 of your points fall off completely. The average person is not Superman. He or she cannot rule the economy to their little finger, has vices like everyone else, has the potential for addiction like everyone else, has his or her doubts, fears and insecurities like every other person on the planet, except perhaps sociopaths and psychopaths.
If that "normal" person SEEMS to be on top of the world, it is usually just an act. Playing out his or her strengths, and hiding his or her weaknesses.

I would like to point out 1 thing. You are responsible for YOUR actions, and your actions ONLY. You are not responsible for the actions of others, the exception being people in your charge, that cannot reason for themselves (small children, advanced Alzheimer patients, and similar).
You are not responsible if someone assaults you, sexually or otherwise, you are not responsible if someone takes offense at you, for being bad at maths, for having a lively sexual life or for being of the larger variety, you are not responsible for other peoples feelings and actions, THEY are. You can influence them, and they can influence you, of course, but responsibility is at the person.

Have fun
Kamn

[Nyoibo]

I'll go through most of these one by one.

-Those who judge and scrutinise are always mentally healthy.

The hell they are, infact most of the people who judge and scrutinise and such are far from it.

-A normal person would be able to get a job easily, without having to worry about whether she's screwing up constantly and not being aware of it. A normal person would be able to screw up and nobody would make her feel guilty about it. I always seem to get called out for it, no matter what. Even if it's something as minor as a slightly unclean floor.

I've been unemployed, except for a couple of very short term contracts, since before you finished school, getting a job is fucking hard and unless you have a ridiculously thick skin, getting called out on screwups tends to make you feel shitty.

-A judgement-free person would be a healthy weight and be able to lose it instantly. She would be able to actually WEAR trackpants that fit her and don't fall apart from thigh rub. She would be able to go to the gym anytime and do things RIGHT, without feeling like people are judging her for using the machine correctly/incorrectly, or behaving correctly/incorrectly. She would also be able to go out and eat whatever, whenever, without feeling horrible, guilty or criticised over it.

The hell they can, I'm still 30+ kg overweight and am having a bitch of a time loosing anything, I frequently wear out the crotch of my pants and unless you've had training or have a session with a personal trainer at least semi-regularly chances are you're going to be doing the exercises at least slightly wrong. As for eating whatever whenever, I wish.

-A normal person wouldn't be financially farked every fortnight and having to rely on welfare payments because her workplace won't bother to help her out give . Plus, they would never to worry about their job security being dependent on whether they tell their manager about their mental health status. Or whether that manager believes them.

I get $460 of thereabouts a fortnight, my fortnightly outgoings are around $250, yet somehow I still end up with a bank balance of around $2-3 several days before the next fortnight. As for the job security, it doesn't matter what your manager believes, if a gp or psychologist says there's a problem then there is and if the manager tries to disagree or screw you around then there are legal recourses and legal repercussions for the manager and the company.

-A normal person would be able to actually have sex in varying positions, without being in pain whenever she's on top or on the side. She would also be able to orgasm during intercourse, or not having to rely on sex toys in order to do so!

My partner is an ex contortionist and I have above average flexibility, there are a bunch of positions that we cant do due to the fact that they fracking hurt (not knowing what sort of pain it is I can't really comment other than that) as for orgasm, only about 25% of women orgasm from sex alone you're actually the norm if you don't, forget what hollywood and such tell you, female orgasms and simultaneous orgasms and all that stuff they show in the movies takes a lot of time, practice and effort, and even then there's no garantees.

-A normal person can actually CONTROL her diet AND get exercise and remember to stick to them.

63% of the Australian population is either overweight or obese, that would suggest that a normal person sucks at controling their diet and exercising, trying to start a routine is damn hard, sticking to it is even harder.

-And finally, a NORMAL person can actually get to sleep without having random flashbacks to times when things have gone wrong or she has been told off over petty trivial things.

I do that most nights, most people do, quiet times like that are when you're most likely to think back on those sorts of events, hell, I still replay things in y head that happened 5 or even 10 years ago.

-I end up thinking I'm doing great, when the honest fact is that I screwed up in important ways that mean I have no opportunity of recovering from them.

Unless someone's dead or something blew up there's always the opportunity to recover from screwups, you may not be able to go back to whatever it was before the screwup, but you can always recover.

[fireheart17]

The hell they are, infact most of the people who judge and scrutinise and such are far from it.

Those people are in secure, stable environments and jobs. They also don't need to worry about losing their job for breathing.

I've been unemployed, except for a couple of very short term contracts, since before you finished school, getting a job is fucking hard and unless you have a ridiculously thick skin, getting called out on screwups tends to make you feel shitty.

For me, getting called out results in a uncontrolled breakdown and me being unable to look at that person.

Somehow I managed to get through my last teaching prac WITHOUT those problems. I think the difference there was that the feedback was given to grow, rather than a warning and punishment.

Ironically, I have no problem hanging around kids.

The hell they can, I'm still 30+ kg overweight and am having a bitch of a time loosing anything, I frequently wear out the crotch of my pants and unless you've had training or have a session with a personal trainer at least semi-regularly chances are you're going to be doing the exercises at least slightly wrong. As for eating whatever whenever, I wish.

Actually at the moment, pants tend to make me feel a tad claustrophobic. I have like 2 pairs of pants and a pair of bike shorts: the pants are work-pants, the shorts were to be used under a skirt.

I get $460 of thereabouts a fortnight, my fortnightly outgoings are around $250, yet somehow I still end up with a bank balance of around $2-3 several days before the next fortnight. As for the job security, it doesn't matter what your manager believes, if a gp or psychologist says there's a problem then there is and if the manager tries to disagree or screw you around then there are legal recourses and legal repercussions for the manager and the company.

Onus of proof is generally on me.
Also, due to a (rightful) screwup on the JSA's part, I wound up being cut back to Youth Allowance. So it's about $150 less than what I was getting previously, but on the flipside, I don't have to deal with the JSA anymore.

My partner is an ex contortionist and I have above average flexibility, there are a bunch of positions that we cant do due to the fact that they fracking hurt (not knowing what sort of pain it is I can't really comment other than that) as for orgasm, only about 25% of women orgasm from sex alone you're actually the norm if you don't, forget what hollywood and such tell you, female orgasms and simultaneous orgasms and all that stuff they show in the movies takes a lot of time, practice and effort, and even then there's no garantees.

For me, there's one position at the moment: missionary. Missionary with me on top results in pain and a sweaty back. I won't even get into the rear-entry positions >_>

63% of the Australian population is either overweight or obese, that would suggest that a normal person sucks at controling their diet and exercising, trying to start a routine is damn hard, sticking to it is even harder.

That leaves what...37% who can? I keep having this feeling that my weight is stopping me from getting jobs as well...people take one look at me in the interviews and decide that they can't deal with someone who's fat. No matter how flawlessly I answer their questions. No matter how skilled I am in the resume. I got lucky on my last interview, but eve now, I may end up losing it all.

Also bear in mind that the figure you're quoting more than likely refers to a measurement based on the BMI, which does not account for muscle. If it's based off of an actual measurement (ie hip/waist ratio, hip/waist measurements, calipers etc.) then makes sense.

I do that most nights, most people do, quiet times like that are when you're most likely to think back on those sorts of events, hell, I still replay things in y head that happened 5 or even 10 years ago.

It wouldn't be so bad if it were the funnier moments, but it's ALWAYS the screwups, ALWAYS the warnings and ALWAYS the times when I've been a wreck. Ironically enough, the sleeping meds I take sometimes to help with this work TOO well...(as in if I go to bed for 7 hours normally, on those meds, it's more like 10...it's not a benzo fyi)

Unless someone's dead or something blew up there's always the opportunity to recover from screwups, you may not be able to go back to whatever it was before the screwup, but you can always recover.

Not when those screwups forced you to pull out of a teaching prac. (it was a 50-50 problem, I'd been having trouble getting placed because my first PASSED prac was too late in the year for most schools to take me on. Because I'd insisted on a public school (I don't feel comfortable teaching religious education to 5-year-olds, plus there are very few private schools that will include disabled students in their class), it made things harder. The first school I was given gave me the wrong class, the second school I was given did not give my mentor teachers enough notice. I also had isolation issues and was frequently snapping at my boyfriend for the few days I was up there. What caused me to pull out was the fact that I thought I was doing the right thing at the time, but apparently not-I was (and still am) sick of having to justify every action and wanted to take the initiative. Unfortunately I still have to justify myself otherwise people tend to view it as something gone wrong)

Not when those screwups forced you to quit your first job. (I have learned 2 things from that: 1) get a letter from my psych, 2) don't work in a supermarket again!) Yeah....got lucky on the job I have now, but unlike my mother (who has had brief periods of unemployment but can at least do temp work to fill the gap!), nobody was willing to give an unskilled/overqualified uni student a second chance. (I have a BA)

I swear, my social anxiety/phobia/whatever the hell it is is going to be the death of me.
Funnily enough, one good thing has come from that recommendation: I can actually pinpoint the cause to some extent. There have been social phobic traits since I was in primary school (just more my awkwardness around strangers and authority), extending to some extent in high school (not that you could tell ), but I think the sexual assault that I mentioned earlier exacerbated it. There were plenty of judgemental snarky bullying comments in high school/primary school (or questions that I'd be afraid to answer in case I'd look like an idiot), but those faded at the end of the day. These however, haunt me. My mother's comments are not much better-most of them have faded, but there are still the occasional comments that spring up out of nowhere.

[Nekojin]

All of this boils down to one of the most insidious lies that society tells us - "If you were normal, you'd be happy." There's no such thing as "normal." There isn't any perfect, well-adjusted person who has no problems. People who seem that way are just better at hiding their problems. There are some people who are so far outside of the "norm" that it's easy to say, "Them! They're weird, so I must be OK," but it's an illusion.

Everyone has problems. Everyone. Male, female, black, white, straight, gay, and everything in between. We all have our problems and we all have our little (or not so little) neurotic issues. Too fat, too thin, boobs too small, boobs too big, penis too small, penis too big (and yes, there are some people who have that last one), unattractive mole on my face, no beauty marks on my face, visible scars... you could spend hours going over just the physical problems that people see in themselves, without ever getting into the mental ones.

I, for one, have a scar across my nose from the time I drove my car off the side of a freeway. I was extremely self-conscious of it for nearly a decade, and finally decided that it didn't matter. I noticed it more than anyone else did.

[Kheldarson]

Those people are in secure, stable environments and jobs. They also don't need to worry about losing their job for breathing.

This has nothing to do with you, or being normal. My last job? Part of why I left was because they were finding ways of getting rid of the "old guard", those of us hired by the previous SM. If they even found one thing they didn't like, out you went. Biggest drama fest I've ever done in terms of quitting a job.

That leaves what...37% who can? I keep having this feeling that my weight is stopping me from getting jobs as well...people take one look at me in the interviews and decide that they can't deal with someone who's fat. No matter how flawlessly I answer their questions. No matter how skilled I am in the resume. I got lucky on my last interview, but eve now, I may end up losing it all.

I've got skills, I've got a great education, proof that I'm a hard worker...and I can't get a job beyond basic retail. Keep being told that I don't have enough experience. Your weight may have nothing to do with it. It may be the amount and type of experience. It may be you didn't click as well as somebody else did. Not that knowing any of these help with getting a job, but, at least it's not your fault.

It wouldn't be so bad if it were the funnier moments, but it's ALWAYS the screwups, ALWAYS the warnings and ALWAYS the times when I've been a wreck. Ironically enough, the sleeping meds I take sometimes to help with this work TOO well...(as in if I go to bed for 7 hours normally, on those meds, it's more like 10...it's not a benzo fyi)

I never said my cold sweat remembrance nights were the funny moments. I'm a screw up. Mom likes to ride me on the fact that I should've made different choices. My thoughts tend to try to figure out if she's right or not, which means I'm dwelling on things I really shouldn't. The regrets. The guilts. It's not healthy, but, honestly, it's normal. Ish. I'm not going to say don't sweat the small stuff, but, at the same time, our minds are our biggest betrayers, you know what I mean?

I swear, my social anxiety/phobia/whatever the hell it is is going to be the death of me.
Funnily enough, one good thing has come from that recommendation: I can actually pinpoint the cause to some extent. There have been social phobic traits since I was in primary school (just more my awkwardness around strangers and authority), extending to some extent in high school (not that you could tell ), but I think the sexual assault that I mentioned earlier exacerbated it. There were plenty of judgemental snarky bullying comments in high school/primary school (or questions that I'd be afraid to answer in case I'd look like an idiot), but those faded at the end of the day. These however, haunt me. My mother's comments are not much better-most of them have faded, but there are still the occasional comments that spring up out of nowhere.

If you can pinpoint a cause, and I think you've mentioned getting various types of medical help, then maybe it's something you can address. At least work out the root cause and see if fully confronting it helps?

[patiokitty]

In this day and age there is no such thing as a 'stable' job. Nothing is secure anymore. And that has nothing to do with how mentally stable a person is, or what size they are. Hell, I'm about 100lbs overweight and that doesn't stop me - besides, if a place won't hire me due to my size then I wouldn't want to work there anyway.

I am also diagnosed bi-polar 2 with social anxiety and paranoia thrown into the mix. I am medicated but it does not mean that I can handle every situation thrown at me. I will also admit that I no longer see a therapist because I could not find one that I clicked with - instead I focused on self-help. I figured out where some of the more toxic elements of my life were and cut them out, said 'fuck everybody' and started trying to figure out what made me happy. It hasn't been easy, but in the long run I have been happier. I will also note that I'm 40, and it's taken me up until about a year ago to finally start figuring stuff out - it can take longer than one would wish.

Don't beat yourself up and don't let other's try to put you down or hold you back - that little voice in your head that it telling you that all those things is only repeating what other people have been saying. It believes what those others have said and so it's holding you back. Every time that voice starts telling you that you suck or whatever tell it to shut up and do your best to think positively. It's hard, especially when you're stuck in an environment that seems designed to drag you down, but it can be done.

Fuck the judgemental assholes - they are no more normal than the next person. Frankly, I believe most of them are more fucked up than I am (or you are, for that matter) because they feel it's appropriate for judging and picking on other people just because they are different in some way.

[Pixilated]

I would address every single point, but Duelist got it for me.

I would like to address one thing though. You keep alluding to "normal" people. Can you show me a normal person? *snip*

Was going to make this point but kamn and others beat me to it. Also, the definitions you are being given about "normal" people are themselves not normal. Anyone who is flinging these statements at you either doesn't know what they're talking about or is pointedly ignoring reality.