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I've been living with my grandmother over the summer.
During this time, I had to get two root canals. My grandmother paid for it for me, because, while I could receive free native american care, I would have to wait well over a month for it to be taken care of.
Considering I couldn't eat due to the pain chewing soft bread, waiting that long was not an option, and I was was under the (false, as I've now learned) impression that going to the native americans as a walk in would still have a fair amount of cost.
So, I let my grandmother pay for my teeth. Not proud of it, but it needed to be done.
I tried looking for a job, but the few places that even called me back never called me again after they learned I was going back to school in the fall.
Now. Regularly, my sister has been throwing in my face all of the above.
Telling me what a leach I am
Telling me I'm taking advantage of my grandmothers sweet demeanor (When my sister has lived here since she was 16, and has never paid rent in that time...)
Telling me I'm lazy
Asking me how I'll pay back my student loans wen I can't get a quicktrip job now (She really doesn't seem to understand the concept of "pay now for better job later...")
And just. Going. On. And. Fucking. On. Mean. Spiteful. Thing. After. Thing.
Feeding the insidious little voice that already tells me all this shit, feeding my self doubt, my self hate, my depression.
And I cant say shit back to her. I suck at fights. I suck at debates face to face. I get worked up and can't articulate myself. All I want to do is smash her gods damned face in, but I don't. I hold it in.
I want to hurt her so damn badly. I fucking fantasize about strangling her, or getting even more violent.
She just finished one of her little...rant sessions, the third or fourth, even bringing our mother into it (LONG story), and I spent the last ten minutes just imagining beating her to a pulp.
I really REALLY don't like feeling like this. It disturbs me.
I just wanted to vent.
During this time, I had to get two root canals. My grandmother paid for it for me, because, while I could receive free native american care, I would have to wait well over a month for it to be taken care of.
Considering I couldn't eat due to the pain chewing soft bread, waiting that long was not an option, and I was was under the (false, as I've now learned) impression that going to the native americans as a walk in would still have a fair amount of cost.
So, I let my grandmother pay for my teeth. Not proud of it, but it needed to be done.
I tried looking for a job, but the few places that even called me back never called me again after they learned I was going back to school in the fall.
Now. Regularly, my sister has been throwing in my face all of the above.
Telling me what a leach I am
Telling me I'm taking advantage of my grandmothers sweet demeanor (When my sister has lived here since she was 16, and has never paid rent in that time...)
Telling me I'm lazy
Asking me how I'll pay back my student loans wen I can't get a quicktrip job now (She really doesn't seem to understand the concept of "pay now for better job later...")
And just. Going. On. And. Fucking. On. Mean. Spiteful. Thing. After. Thing.
Feeding the insidious little voice that already tells me all this shit, feeding my self doubt, my self hate, my depression.
And I cant say shit back to her. I suck at fights. I suck at debates face to face. I get worked up and can't articulate myself. All I want to do is smash her gods damned face in, but I don't. I hold it in.
I want to hurt her so damn badly. I fucking fantasize about strangling her, or getting even more violent.
She just finished one of her little...rant sessions, the third or fourth, even bringing our mother into it (LONG story), and I spent the last ten minutes just imagining beating her to a pulp.
I really REALLY don't like feeling like this. It disturbs me.
I just wanted to vent.
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