I am just so frustrated.
The short version is I have a female friend for whom I believed mutual attraction was blooming. I did everything right. I had self-confidence and self-esteem like I hadn't had in years. No pathetic "nice guy" cliches, so whining, no dysfunction...I'm almost shocked, thinking about it now, at how smoothly I was handling it. Anyways, come to find out she was leading me on.
Let me be perfectly clear - this was not a case of me misreading signals. This was a case of her giving me the signals to make me think she was interested to get something out of me.
Needless to say, any self-esteem or self-confidence I had built up was immediately ground back down to the default "nothing" position when I found this out. God forbid I almost become a normal person, right? Cue melodrama, self-destruction, everything that I always do to overreact to every situation. I mean, I didn't take it out on her, of course, just myself. Because I'm a fucking idiot.
I have never. Ever. For even a moment. Had a decent relationship with another human being. I'm sort of just now realizing this I think. I have my guy friends who I joke around with and play video games and get drunk with, and that has its place...but I can't talk to them about anything serious, I can't open up to them or anything. Everybody I do get close to, either they end up not caring about me nearly as much as I care about them, or we care about each other too much, one of us initiates a romantic relationship, and then they get bored of it before too long, leave, and never talk to me again.
I'm so frustrated of trying to so hard for so many things for no good reason. It's not worth the effort. Life isn't worth the effort. It doesn't give me back anywhere near what I put in.
The short version is I have a female friend for whom I believed mutual attraction was blooming. I did everything right. I had self-confidence and self-esteem like I hadn't had in years. No pathetic "nice guy" cliches, so whining, no dysfunction...I'm almost shocked, thinking about it now, at how smoothly I was handling it. Anyways, come to find out she was leading me on.
Let me be perfectly clear - this was not a case of me misreading signals. This was a case of her giving me the signals to make me think she was interested to get something out of me.
Needless to say, any self-esteem or self-confidence I had built up was immediately ground back down to the default "nothing" position when I found this out. God forbid I almost become a normal person, right? Cue melodrama, self-destruction, everything that I always do to overreact to every situation. I mean, I didn't take it out on her, of course, just myself. Because I'm a fucking idiot.
I have never. Ever. For even a moment. Had a decent relationship with another human being. I'm sort of just now realizing this I think. I have my guy friends who I joke around with and play video games and get drunk with, and that has its place...but I can't talk to them about anything serious, I can't open up to them or anything. Everybody I do get close to, either they end up not caring about me nearly as much as I care about them, or we care about each other too much, one of us initiates a romantic relationship, and then they get bored of it before too long, leave, and never talk to me again.
I'm so frustrated of trying to so hard for so many things for no good reason. It's not worth the effort. Life isn't worth the effort. It doesn't give me back anywhere near what I put in.
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