I'm never going to have a decent, healthy relationship

[Jaden]

I am just so frustrated.

The short version is I have a female friend for whom I believed mutual attraction was blooming. I did everything right. I had self-confidence and self-esteem like I hadn't had in years. No pathetic "nice guy" cliches, so whining, no dysfunction...I'm almost shocked, thinking about it now, at how smoothly I was handling it. Anyways, come to find out she was leading me on.

Let me be perfectly clear - this was not a case of me misreading signals. This was a case of her giving me the signals to make me think she was interested to get something out of me.

Needless to say, any self-esteem or self-confidence I had built up was immediately ground back down to the default "nothing" position when I found this out. God forbid I almost become a normal person, right? Cue melodrama, self-destruction, everything that I always do to overreact to every situation. I mean, I didn't take it out on her, of course, just myself. Because I'm a fucking idiot.

I have never. Ever. For even a moment. Had a decent relationship with another human being. I'm sort of just now realizing this I think. I have my guy friends who I joke around with and play video games and get drunk with, and that has its place...but I can't talk to them about anything serious, I can't open up to them or anything. Everybody I do get close to, either they end up not caring about me nearly as much as I care about them, or we care about each other too much, one of us initiates a romantic relationship, and then they get bored of it before too long, leave, and never talk to me again.

I'm so frustrated of trying to so hard for so many things for no good reason. It's not worth the effort. Life isn't worth the effort. It doesn't give me back anywhere near what I put in.

[SkullKing]

I am sorry to hear that.

how did you learn she was leading you on?

why can´pt you open up to your guy friends? Are you not comfortable, or do you think they wont treat your problems with due respect?

[Boozy]

I think a lot of men feel that they don't have deep emotional bonds with their male friends, because they don't usually share their innermost thoughts and hopes and dreams. But that doesn't mean there isn't value in those relationships.

When my husband's father passed away, his friends never asked him how he was feeling about it. They just showed up with some beer and video games. I truly believe that it was exactly what he needed at the time. I mean, what is there to say? "Losing your dad sucks. Let's hang."

To characterize these kinds of relationships as somehow inferior does them a disservice. However, if you feel that you need a different sort of relationship in addition to what your buddies offer, that's fair. But those kinds of relationships don't necessarily have to be romantic or sexual.

Honestly, I get most of my emotional support from my mother and sisters (my husband has the typical "how do I fix this?" reaction instead of being able to just listen and sympathize). Do you have anyone like that in your life, Jaden? Family is so valuable for this sort of thing.

[Jaden]

I do appreciate my guy friends and that kind of relationship, and it's not inferior. It's just not what I need all the time. And I know you can have that kind of relationship and not have anything romantic or sexual, it's just that I never have without those things complicating matters. I have a lot of trouble opening up to other guys in general. I don't know why. I sometimes wonder if the reason why therapy never worked out for me was because I had a male therapist and couldn't be as open I should've been.

I've never been close to my family. My dad is distant and closed off and my mom and I have an odd relationship...she gets very emotional and used to be very emotionally abusive when I was younger, though she has fortunately moved on from that and has tried to make amends to some extent. Other than that, I have three older brothers, my closest of which is almost self-consciously a "man's man" and thus doesn't ever talk about anything sincerely except for politics and guns. The other two, I hardly know.

So, my family and I don't really talk much. And anyways, one of my anxieties that I feel the need to talk about is coming to terms with my sexuality, and I'm nowhere near ready to come out as bi to my very conservative family. So, it's just been a small handful of constant friends who I have good times with (which is good, and I'm not denying the goodness of it) and a revolving door of people who I get extremely close to and then lose for some reason or another. I just don't have anybody to talk to, which is probably why I vent so much on here.

[SkullKing]

Hey Jaden, you feeling better?

[Jaden]

Not particularly. I had a huge confrontation with a very close friend of mine just a couple of days after posting this, and I'm not sure our friendship will ever fully recover. I promise you guys, I'm not trying to be "Oh, woe is me" all the time or just whine constantly, I'm just honestly so God damned mixed up, and miserable, and I only seem to keep going down, and I don't know what to do with myself.

[SkullKing]

I understand. this is th ekind of stuff this sub forum is for.

If you feel lonely, have you tried online dating?

I know I have asked this before, but some time has passed, what are your current hobbies?(including anything you don´t actually do but thinks might like)

[Rapscallion]

Time to weigh in as an inveterate observer. Bear in mind that this is from watching others with moderate amusement and some deep despair.

It's said that there's always the 'one' for you out there. That's bollocks. There are thousands.

Who that one is is down to chance.

See, there are many different single people out there with varying personalities. Quite a number of them will be compatible with you and make you think you're walking on air - given the right circumstances.

Are you receptive? Are they? Just got out from a row with parents and not interested in anything other than sulking? Just watched a move with their favourite film crush and horny as hell? People are different at different times. That includes you.

It may be that she was interested, but someone else came along and has attracted her interest. It may be something completely alternative. It may be that you'll meet the new girl of your dreams tomorrow in a bus queue. It may be a few years before you do. You might have found someone by the time you read this.

It's down to luck.

The way to skew luck in your favour is to get out there and experience events that may work in your favour. You can comb your hair differently, or use a particular scent, or whatever. If those aspects attract one person, they'll repel another. The reality is that if you're attracting someone through artifice, you'll have to keep up being that false persona for the rest of your natural, and that's not an honest relationship.

A mate of mine finally got himself a decent long-term girlfriend recently, or at least someone with the likelihood of long termness. He told me how he did it.

A metric craptonne of work.

He got himself onto a dating website and put in a load of effort. It took him loads of time and quite a number of dates (and considering the site is aimed at blokes looking for Polish dates, then travel was involved...), but he's now disgustingly happy with his young lady, and she's happy with him. He did say it took a huge effort, but they're madly in love.

Unless you're really lucky, it's not going to land in your lap. There are hundreds and thousands of possibles out there. Give yourself a day or three to feel glum, then get out there. I'll second the dating websites - loads of prospects on those from what I understand. Not all will be suitable, but get out there and meet girls and talk to them.

The more times you flip a coin, the sooner it will be that it lands heads up.

Rapscallion

[Rapscallion]

Not particularly. I had a huge confrontation with a very close friend of mine just a couple of days after posting this, and I'm not sure our friendship will ever fully recover. I promise you guys, I'm not trying to be "Oh, woe is me" all the time or just whine constantly, I'm just honestly so God damned mixed up, and miserable, and I only seem to keep going down, and I don't know what to do with myself.

Bit of advice here. Vent away here, it's safe and we know each other.

If you're friends, you'll recover with that mate.

Above all, don't base your self esteem on being in a relationship. It's not the be-all and end-all. There's more to you than that.

Rapscallion

[Andara Bledin]

Above all, don't base your self esteem on being in a relationship. It's not the be-all and end-all. There's more to you than that.

This bears repeating.

You are a valuable person. No debate. End of discussion.

Now, it may fall out that you find yourself happier when hooked up with another person, but that's a matter of preference and temperament and entirely subjective.

I was going to post a huge post full of stuff, but the takeaway is this: Be proud to be you. If you have problems that interfere with this, make a plan of action and work on them and be proud that you're doing something.

Get yourself ordered and then get out there. In person or just online, you won't meet someone by staying away from people. And, it's possible you already know someone compatible and it's merely a matter of timing and attitude that's keeping the sparks from flying.

[blas87]

Do not feel bad or whiney or pathetic. At all.

There are so many rotten people out there who lack the honesty, let alone maturity and decency, to just be honest with a person. There's even quite a few who just.....are bored people and feel they can fill a void with a person and then just toss them aside and who cares about their feelings.

You have every right to be upset.