Sex and candy--but not the good candy, the bad candy left to melt in the bowl

[shroo]

My husband and I discussed and decided that polyamory was for us. It's helped our communication and takes a lot of stress off the other for certain things. That said:

Just because I am poly, does not mean I am a fuck toy.

Just because I am interested in kink and am looking to explore a D/s relationship does not mean I am a fuck toy.

Hell, just because I like like sex, and lots of it, does not mean I am a fuck toy.

I'm on a few different dating sites, both vanilla and...spicy, and I'm surprised how many people think either I'm going to drop my panties after one message, or after a few dates and some fun, just don't bother getting in touch again.
I'm actually not against casual play, or one time hook ups--if I know that's what it is.
The so called Doms I've met I feel like are the worst offenders--especially when trust and communication is discussed beforehand and still, once their fun is had they disappear without even leaving a puff of smoke behind.
I am honestly at a loss with what to do--I don't want to become the cynic that doesn't believe anyone, and I'm not going to use sex as a...bartering tool for communication.

Sorry, just needed to vent....

[anakhouri]

I am no polyamorous and have no knowledge of the lifestyle. but it seems to me this might be a negotiation better done face to face. Are there like, clubs or something for this purpose? If not, you might want to lay down exactly what you expect in your introduction and ask them straight up what they are looking for. That doesn't mean they won't change their minds, I guess, but at least you're being upfront about it.

[shroo]

I do, actually. I'm upfront with everything, from the boundaries my husband and I have set up, to what I'm looking for, to what kind of communication I appreciate.
I actually do understand if I don't say anything it's on me--and a lot of these conversations have been had face to face--but I'm honestly not sure what is so wrong with me that this keeps happening.
There aren't really any clubs or such around here, and I belong to a site that is fairly...educational about everything, so really the easiest way for me to meet like minded people is online first, then a face to face meeting, then discussions on what to do next.

[Nekojin]

...but I'm honestly not sure what is so wrong with me that this keeps happening.

Nothing. A large percentage, possibly the majority, of people are simply not considerate of others' wants and needs unless it's shoved in their faces - and even then, many fail. There are a lot of reasons for this... some of it's just general cluelessness (not realizing the value of feedback), some of it's social nervousness (fear of backlash if they say the wrong thing), and some small percentage of it is just plain selfishness.

The best way to get feedback is to give feedback. If someone doesn't reciprocate when you start talking about what went right, what went wrong, and so on, then you know it's time to FIDO - "Fuck it, drive on."

[Ginger Tea]

Again not Polly.
Most probably just assume you want no strings attached sex, even if you say otherwise.

I don't see swingers as polly and I might not be the only one, I have read about couples (iir it said predominantly male) getting jealous of their SO getting it on, even if they themselves have or are about to embark on a similar endeavour.

As Nekojin says, there is nothing wrong with you, you are laying your cards out an setting boundaries, but the over all perception of polly might be seen as a fancier way of saying swinger which to most is just the idea of fishing keys out of a glass bowl and going from there.

[powerboy]

Shroo, my wife and I are also poly. My wife has the same thing going with her. It is a huge pain in the butt

[Greenday]

Shroo, my wife and I are also poly. My wife has the same thing going with her. It is a huge pain in the butt

ZING!!!!!!!

Seriously, though, I think a lot of people just don't give a crap these days. They get theirs, then they just move on. Doesn't matter how upfront you can be with some people.

[siead_lietrathua]

i'm going to give most of these doods in the OP the benefit of the doubt that they aren't raging douchebags.

dating as a poly is no different than dating while single (asides from the extra communication and scheduling). you're going to run into people that, for whatever reason, decide they don't want to date you. and, just like when single, some of those people will just decide that dropping off the face of the earth is an acceptable end to a casual dating thing instead of a phonecall or face to face breakup. poly adds a chaotic dimension to new relationships true, but that may not be the reason new relationships end. relationships don't get off the ground for a variety of reasons, be it a difference in political tastes, sexual preferences, or even just really hating the music they like to listen to.

also, just like dating while single, you're gonna have guys that assume because you're looking for a partner, you'd be up for some "fun" in the meantime. especially with online hookups/dating. just explain it's not your thing and move on.

i admit the Dom thing is an annoyance just because, helooooo, playground rules! but in the end, Doms are people, and people are gonna be awkward when ending relationships.


*just a note, the genders can go either way in this. i'm only using male terms because the OP. plennnty of women do the same things.