Unraveling of the family tree

[protege]

This actually happened back in September...but I felt it was about time I ranted about it. My family is truly fucked up in some parts, and I think this kinda explains why.

My mother had me over for dinner again one night. When I arrived, my dad was flipping through a book about looking through one's family tree online. Dad said he was interested in looking up our Irish ancestors, some of whom still live over there. Didn't think much about it, until after dinner.

He left to talk to a neighbor up the street, and that's when my mother dropped the bombshell. The one, to end all bombshells. The nuke, if you will.

Most of what I've been told about his side of the family has been a lie. Apparently, the man I knew as "Grandpa" was nothing of the sort. He's not my dad's father, in other words. Either his real dad was killed during the war, or left soon after, we don't know. We don't know if he was adopted either. This all came out some years ago, when my aunt (Diane) was planning a party for their 50th. Seems that the dates didn't quite line up. Turns out, Grandma married "Grandpa" when my dad was about 6. All my life, I was told that he was my grandfather. The past 37 years on have been a lie. I have no connection to him, other than a common last name.

Dad was born on 5/16/45, roughly 8 days after WWII ended in Europe. "Grandpa" fought in the Battle of the Bulge, towards the end of the war. That lasted through January/February of '45. I'm sure he wouldn't have been home quickly. Nor would he have been home 9 months prior. So there's that...

All of this might explain why my dad's family is so fucked up, and why they never paid much attention to us...and why Aunt Diane was constantly fawned over. We were the "bastard" grandchildren, in other words. Very few phone calls over the years

Most of my life, I've never felt like I belonged anywhere. All of the digging I'd done into the family tree on that side, is now worthless. I'm not related to *any* of them. Up until now, I thought I'd *finally* managed to fit in somewhere. Now that's been taken away.

Why this secret was kept from me for 37 years, I have no idea. If we would have been told maybe 25 years ago, we might have understood. But now, I'm not so sure. 37 years of the cold shoulder, because I'm technically *not* part of the family.

I can't really talk to my dad about this. He doesn't really want to talk about it, and even if he did, I'm hesitant to approach him. He'd flip out, since my mom and Grandma aren't exactly friends...

What has me upset, other than losing a huge chunk of my heritage, is any possible genetic issues. Some of you know about my breathing issues--which have been getting worse lately I don't know about you, but I wouldn't mind having some warning as to precautions that I could have taken to either prevent, or be prepared for this shit.

[Ginger Tea]

At first I was going to post about it being akin to adoption, your grand father not being biologically yours etc doesn't mean there was no love offered as family is not just about sharing DNA.

Then I read the rest of the post ...

I had a 'falling out' with my Paternal Grandmother over something my brother overheard at my fathers funeral (afaik she doesn't know that he over heard her and I found out years later at my mothers funeral) and I was glad I lived the other side of the country a few years later and have only visited twice in the 5 or so times I have gone back up north, last time she brushed us off for some bizarre reason, I was on the train the next day and could not extend my leave from work to pay a token social call.

My Father was in the Army and although he spent most of the 70's in Belfast and other parts of Northern Ireland, we were stationed in Germany, why I have no idea, if he was part of the Berlin wall patrol I could understand us being there, but him being in Northern Ireland always had me thinking during the 90's when I was a lot older why we had to move too.

My brother over heard her say something about my mother possibly cheating on my father whilst he was away, unfounded as she was oop norf and we were in Germany so unless my father had spoken about any concerns it was all just sour grapes for some southerner stealing her boy away to live abroad.

I was treated no differently than my brother, least not that I recall and even if I was 'the milk mans son' a joke adopted from a shampoo advert where they ask "where does Milly get her red hair?" when the red headed milkman comes into view with a smile for the family as he hands over a pint, I am unaware, both my parents have taken that to their graves if it is the case, biological or not, my father is my father and nothing my grandmother can say or do can change that, if anything it just gives me the excuse to say "well as you are not my real grandmother I don't give a fuck about you. just die already."

[s_stabeler]

this really shows the difference between family and blood relationships. The way I see it, blood relationship just means you are descended from the same person, and means very little on it's own. Family is when you are treated as " One of the family" and is where most of the actual respect comes in. In protege's case, their father may be family, but his family are nothing of the sort to his kid(s) even if there IS a blood relationship. In Ginger Tea's case, their father is defintiely family, no matter if there is a blood relationship or not.

[HYHYBT]

I'm assuming the Grandma you've posted about before is on the other side of the family?

[Rapscallion]

Does this news change who you are as a person and how you act?

Rapscallion

[protege]

I'm assuming the Grandma you've posted about before is on the other side of the family?

Yeah, that was my mother's mom.

I should mention that Grandpa always treated me decent. However, my relationship with my dad's parents was always a bit weird. I rarely heard from them--no phone calls, no cards, nothing--unless they needed something. Yet, if my aunt needed something, or wanted to chat...they'd drop everything. It was always a bit strange, and now I know why.

Raps, it hasn't changed how I act, or who I am, even if I want to strangle some relatives But, for many Americans, heritage is a big deal. Quite a few of us are interested where we came from. To have it suddenly removed is hard to deal with...especially since I can't exactly talk about it.

[Andara Bledin]

I was actually biologically related to my father's parents, and yet, I never met them after I was about 5.

It doesn't take a lack of blood ties for family to be assholes.

Although, I can certainly understand the desire to know about medical history. My ex was adopted and diabetic, and he wanted to know if there were any other issues he might want to look out for, should he have kids. As far as I know, he still hasn't got that information.

[Stone]

My family is related by blood and I never hear from them. It's unfortunate, but what can you do besides move on?

[BlaqueKatt]

But, for many Americans, heritage is a big deal. Quite a few of us are interested where we came from. To have it suddenly removed is hard to deal with...especially since I can't exactly talk about it.

It's merely another form of tribalism used to exclude people, or sort them into "us" and "not us"*. Finding out when I was 15(via a blood typing test in biology class, no less), that the person who raised me(albeit badly) was not my biological parent changed nothing save for what genetic predispositions I had. I wasn't informed who my biological father was until after my stepfather was deceased and my biological father was on his deathbed. they died 6 months apart, my biodad knew I was his, my stepdad thought I was his.

*I'm the only american on my father's side, my mother's side part of them came over on the mayflower, part of them from Germany after WWI-none of that has any impact on me-I'm American. Where I "came from" holds much less importance than what I do with my life, and where I end up.

Seriously-you think the guy in this thread is going to change because of his heritage?

[Greenday]

Seriously-you think the guy in this thread is going to change because of his heritage?

The techniques used to determine that kind of stuff isn't 100% accurate by any means. I'm quite familiar with it.

Look, the guy raised your dad from a small child on until your dad become an independent adult. If that doesn't make him your dad's dad, I don't know what would. Clearly your grandfather didn't care that your dad wasn't his biological son. He loved him all the same. Why should it change your opinion of your grandfather just because of whether or not he was really blood-related?

The rest of your family who gave your side the cold shoulder is just being childish about the whole situation.

[protege]

Look, the guy raised your dad from a small child on until your dad become an independent adult. If that doesn't make him your dad's dad, I don't know what would. Clearly your grandfather didn't care that your dad wasn't his biological son. He loved him all the same. Why should it change your opinion of your grandfather just because of whether or not he was really blood-related?

I'm really trying to give my granddad the benefit of the doubt. He was always good to me. But, at the same time, he never paid much attention to his only grandchildren. I don't hate the guy, BTW. Still dealing with the shock of it all.

As to the heritage aspect, it would be nice to know where my family hails from. So far, my dad and I have tracked down some of our distant relatives--they're still in the same Irish town. The German part is probably going to take some serious effort. Apparently, most of the records were lost during WWII.

[thealmightymalachi]

Protege, a quick note:

If the issue you're having is that your grandfather isn't your "really real" grandfather, that's something completely separate from the geneological side of things.

My father was adopted as a baby. His parents (my grandparents) divorced and remarried (both of them) before I was born, so I grew up with two sets of grandparents on my father's side. Neither my grandfather's wife nor my grandmother's husband were ever referred to as anything other than "grandma" or "grandpa", and while both weren't exactly the hug-squeeze-adore-fawnover-child type, they both showed my sister and I love and respect.

Geneologically speaking I know where I came from, and my father knows where he came from: he was adopted off a reservation during a time of closed adoptions in the state where he was born.

My Dad's dad (Grandpa P) passed away ten years ago, while my dad's mom's husband (Grandpa B) is still going strong at 88 years old. It never occurred to me to wonder or ask "but where did I really REALLY come from, I want the truth!" because honestly it never mattered to me.

Genealogically it would be nice to know some medical things, but it's not essential.

If my mother said that my biological father was actually a Vietnam War soldier who she was briefly married to during the Vietnam War, then my father married her when I was two or so, I might be shocked, briefly, but then again, I'd have to ask myself: why would it matter? Would it change the life I had with my family prior to knowing that?

Nope. My dad's my dad. Whether he's connected to me via biology seems superfluous to me. I also married a woman who was adopted as a baby by loving parents who could not have their own bio-baby. Her parents are her parents.

I don't doubt you were surprised by this, but treating it like your mother was part of a super secret radical squirrel liberation terrorism front is a little bit of overreaction, from over here.

As far as genealogical heritage, my mother tracked my familial lines on both sides back to birth records in Europe to pre-Black Plague era Normandy, Ireland, Isle of Wight and Wales.

There's no reason you cannot track your grandfather's familial lines the same way.

Adoption - whether by marriage, by birth adoption, or by familial absorption (sounds like #1 and #3 are what went on with your family) means the adoptee is part of the family, regardless of where they came from in the first place.

And maybe that's just me. I admit I grew up knowing that adoption was part of my family history. My family is very open about that, and I have multiple cousins who were adopted as babies and children. There's no difference (for us) between bio-babies and adoption babies.

And to be honest, one of the most frustrating things for me to see is someone getting caught up on the concept of "EVERYTHING HAS NO MEANING NOW BECAUSE I ARE ADOPTED!!!" and using it as an excuse to re-examine everything in their life or explain away things that bother them about their family structure.

Don't second-guess your family. Just treat them like you treated them before you knew your grandfather wasn't one of your father's biological parents.

Otherwise? Honestly, if this is rocking your world to the core, I'd be a little bit more concerned with how stable your world was in the first place. I'm not trying to dismiss your revelation here, but...

You know who your grandfather is. If you decide to stop treating him like your grandfather, or treat him differently, or even think about him differently than from the day you learned about his origins, I don't think the person who has an issue here is your grandfather.

As one blended family member to another, I'm just sayin'.

[thealmightymalachi]

Side note (after asking my mother, the Genealogy Queen how one treats this situation):

As far as a genealogical research thing goes, you can't treat closed adoptions or non-information adoptions as anything but a normative parent-child relationship.

That means: roll with it, research the genealogical history of your grandfather's family, and move on. You don't really have much choice either way.