Wherein not taking abuse strains my romantic life

[Nyoibo]

Well this clears up Facebook for the last couple of days at least.

I'd say good riddance to Flower and I didn't think Nord was the type to be swayed.

*Almost used Nords real name...

[fireheart17]

Well this clears up Facebook for the last couple of days at least.

I'd say good riddance to Flower and I didn't think Nord was the type to be swayed.

*Almost used Nords real name...

you could've said something!

ETA: I had a status on there that I wound up deleting later (as part of a truce agreement) that originally started with needing someone to talk to and the whole thing just poured out.
The latest status I put up was because I wanted to stop dumping on Nord so much about how i felt.

And yet another update from the wonderful soap opera that is currently occurring, with the following sum-ups:

-She has now apparently changed her stance and is OK with a text message. She still wants that apology from me though...I'm simply telling her to read the letter, if she doesn't like it, then she's a hypocrite for telling me she wanted a face-to-face apology. I've also reconsidered my stance and want a face-to-face from her. It's petty I know, but I want her to realise that Nord and I are calling the shots here and that I am no longer her follower.

-She's reconsidering her decision to "move out", but I have chosen not to be in the same room as her. It currently restricts me to the bedroom, but that's OK. I spent the last two days helping Nord clean out the house for his upcoming inspection...which is more than she's done. (She can't accuse me of not pulling my weight!)
What she's meant to be doing? Her bedroom, the bathroom, sweep around the patio and clean out her cat's stuff in the laundry. That's it.
What I did? Cleaned up the kitchen, dining room and lounge room, as well as most of the bathroom (she just has to mop and clean up her stuff), and vaccuumed the hallway, dining room and the spare room. I also wiped down the benches, coffee table and dining table and also replaced the alfoil on the stove. I also cleaned out the bottles for recycling. (we get a 10c deposit back on each bottle)
What Nord did? Cleared OUT the spare room, vaccuumed the kitchen, hallway, lounge room and dining room and touched up the chips on the wall where he'd messed up with some cable hooks, as well as the door trim in general. He has a lot more to do over the next two days though. (and yes, we OK'd the touching up with the rental agency)

-She has found a new "man" at the moment. I'm just thinking "please God don't let it be my boss!"

-She's still refusing to unblock me, which is fine. She clearly doesn't value my friendship.

[bainsidhe]

I would avoid a face-to-face with her, because it will only escalate and add to the drama. I agree with your idea to keep yourself away from her. She's an emotional vampire who lives on the drama she creates, and ANY interaction from you just feeds into the frenzy.

What you have is not and never was a friendship. You were simply an audience and sympathetic ear to her drama. A real friendship involves both give and take, not manipulation and guilt trips. You may not be able to change the current living situation (though I hope that changes soon!), but you can control your reactions and limit the amount of time you interact.

[fireheart17]

I would avoid a face-to-face with her, because it will only escalate and add to the drama. I agree with your idea to keep yourself away from her. She's an emotional vampire who lives on the drama she creates, and ANY interaction from you just feeds into the frenzy.

This sounds about right. I've noticed that the drama has been creeping up a little bit lately. Among the issues she's described:

-Her boss is apparently an unreliable bastard. (she works as a chef for a small pub in the middle of nowhere...I mean this, the town has literally 300 people)
-She's had to get a small cancer cut out (told me not to share this with anyone) and she apparently has hypovitaminosis D. I call bullshit on both accounts because she refused to share the location of the small cancer and I have not seen her taking any pills, nor has she mentioned any treatment for increasing her Vitamin D levels. Plus, she does not show any symptoms whatsoever of a Vitamin D deficiency and does not appear to have a regular GP. (that doesn't surprise me as she moves around a LOT)
-She apparently had to go on a gluten-and-dairy free diet, but kept hold of this for about a week. I say this because she will consume a LOT of foods containing gluten or dairy in them and not show any side effects. And yes, I spend a LOT of time around her to know that she will not be puking or having liquid bowel issues.
-Her car will only take "premium" fuel for some bullshit reason around her car running "better" on it.
-Her family apparently abused her, this was why she left home at age 16.
-Apparently our old boss (I say "our" in this instance based on where we first met) refused to take her resignation and she had to go through the workplace ombudsman to get this sorted out. While I've had issues with the company in question, I raised those with the UNION. The UNION actually had the balls to do something about it. I also know that the company would've accepted her resignation and not forced her to move dates. They would've simply given her shifts to someone else. Yeah....I think she fed me a bullshit story to stop herself from getting caught out. She didn't want to be there, but instead of sucking it up and working through her notice period, she decided to go all out in a blaze of glory.

What you have is not and never was a friendship. You were simply an audience and sympathetic ear to her drama. A real friendship involves both give and take, not manipulation and guilt trips. You may not be able to change the current living situation (though I hope that changes soon!), but you can control your reactions and limit the amount of time you interact.

Reflecting now, it sounds about right. I actually drew links between the abuse I went through in my undergrad degree and what I went through with her.
The big difference? She's not linked with me in any way now apart from my boyfriend and his family. I've told his family the whole situation now and they've noted that she's at fault more than I am. I've screwed up on that side too, but I've also attempted to make amends on my end.
I showed them EVERYTHING...texts, emails, the letter I wrote and so on. They're more focused on sending their youngest daughter interstate on a single income at the moment, so she can't use them as a manipulative soundboard. I have a feeling that she's going to be pissed when she discovers that she won't be able to use Nord's family as a soundboard!
On top of that, Nord's mother knows that I've been working hard to do right by the family as a whole.

[fireheart17]

And we now come to a (hopeful) conclusion to this fantastic saga! (not)

She's moving out. Something to do with volunteering around Australia. No clue on whether she kept her word and found Nord a new housemate. I'm giving it two weeks before I find a new housemate for him (and I know a few people who are looking for housemates)

She's also selling her stuff to facilitate said move. And by "sell" I mean she's selling EVERYTHING that's hers and isn't furniture. Nord and Flower will be doing a little housemate meeting to work out what Nord will be keeping. I've told him flat out that if she doesn't get hold of her cat by the time she leaves, I'll be trapping the damn cat and dropping him off at an animal shelter. (The backyard is NOT suitable for him (or any pet really), neither Nord nor I can afford the time, confidence or expenses to keep him and he has various health issues that she did not bother to fix)

I did also find out something today that had ME seeing red though.

Now, when Flower moved into the house, she had to break the lease on the previous house she was at. So she was stuck paying rent on the place until the end of the year (late November last year). The amount she had to pay? Around 100pw if that-it was a share agreement with 2-3 other guys. She was working full-time at a pub and also doing some PT work, so she wasn't exactly broke.
At the time both Nord's mother and I assumed that she was paying her share of the rent and bills for Nord. The two of them shared grocery and furniture setup costs. So I was reminded to toe the line because she was paying rent and I wasn't. I did for the most part.

Come today when I'm having a mini rant session with Army Man and he shared with me all the information above (about her moving out) and I panicked, wondering if Nord was going to be alright. Then he dropped this little gem: she hadn't been paying rent and there was some kind of "agreement" between Nord and Flower around all of this. I saw RED.

I confronted Nord about it and wanted to know her side of the "agreement." His response was that she gave him money wherever she could, but "she couldn't pay rent for the rest of last year, so he took over." She was also apparently going to share the proceeds with him from the furniture she sold. I have no idea how much she gave him.

I told him to keep track of exactly how much rent was owed to him as well as the costs of the utility bills: ALL of them. (I'll be chipping in a bit for each) And to then go after her for every cent that she owes him. While he legally can't do much (informal rental agreement and he's the only one on the lease), we're still going to go after her for it. All up it's likely that she'll be owing him high hundreds-low thousands. (she'll be liable for electricity and water charges, although I'm chipping in a little bit of each-particularly with the water usage)

She accuses me of mooching off of him and her and then it turns out that she's mooching off of him to begin with! It also appears that Nord's mother was unaware of the arrangement. So I'm not the only one who's pissed. And Nord's mother is NOT someone you want to piss off.

[bainsidhe]

Is Nord upset about this situation, or is he upset only because you're upset? Based on everything you've posted in this thread about Nord's behavior, he's still trying to play peacekeeper and still considers Flower a friend. He needs to realize Flower is just a moocher, plain and simple. Moochers are manipulative and very good at being your bestest friend in the world...when they want something. She is now moving onto her next conquest to mooch off of.

As for what she owes in rent and utilities, Nord will never see that money. Go ahead and remind Flower now and then just how much she owes Nord, because she will then avoid you both like the plague. Just don't expect to ever be paid back. As a matter of fact, you should mentally "write off" the money and consider it a lesson learned. Yes it sucks and Flower needs a karmic kick to the ass, but stewing resentment will only end up hurting YOU.

[fireheart17]

Is Nord upset about this situation, or is he upset only because you're upset? Based on everything you've posted in this thread about Nord's behavior, he's still trying to play peacekeeper and still considers Flower a friend. He needs to realize Flower is just a moocher, plain and simple. Moochers are manipulative and very good at being your bestest friend in the world...when they want something. She is now moving onto her next conquest to mooch off of.

He's trying to play peacekeeper at this stage. I'm hoping his mum will have some sense to give him a kick up the ass he so desperately needs on this one.

As far as her next conquest goes, I'm already warning the people I was friends with before I introduced her to them about her actions. One of them has ongoing mental health issues and I really do not want her to be seen as an easy target.

As for what she owes in rent and utilities, Nord will never see that money. Go ahead and remind Flower now and then just how much she owes Nord, because she will then avoid you both like the plague. Just don't expect to ever be paid back. As a matter of fact, you should mentally "write off" the money and consider it a lesson learned. Yes it sucks and Flower needs a karmic kick to the ass, but stewing resentment will only end up hurting YOU.

Too bad slander and blackmail are illegal....

(I was planning on trashing her "business page" (what's not blocked to me) on Facebook with the information about her behaviour. Instead I'm going to be content with reporting Flower to the rental agencies in town. There are several of them and they also service a number of nearby towns. She won't be able to rent in his area anymore)

ETA: A little more digging reveals that in this situation, she's the sub-tenant, but she's reposnisible to Nord int he same way that Nord is responsible to the landlord. Unfortunately the "verbal" agreement won't go down very far, but given that she's definitely listed as another person living in the house, she still is under obligation to follow the rental agreement.
She won't be getting a reference from these guys either.

[fireheart17]

One stunning gem of relief in the saga.

A friend of mine posted up a status that sounded VERY similar to the situation I had posted up, except that she was the "moochee" not the moocher. I posted back with a very deliberately vague comment relating my situation to hers and she was curious to know what happened. She also knew Flower and had gotten somewhat close to her.

I explained to her the situation in the shortened form-that I was allegedly a liar, cheating on Nord with Falcon, etc.
She was understandably upset to hear what had happened and wanted to make sure that Nord and I were OK. I reassured her that yes, we were fine, just some minor trust issues.
She then dropped a final gem that reassured me that Flower would not interfere with my life once she moved out: my friend also considered Flower's actions towards me quite rude over the past year, including on Facebook. Given that Flower moved in at the end of November, that sounded about right.

My friend also reassured me that she would not follow Flower's orders if she was told to do something and said that she wouldn't tell Flower what I had said about her. I know that she won't: she has health issues that currently require her to focus her energy on GAINING weight and overcoming fatigue, rather than gossip and backstabbing. (Yes, gaining weight-she doesn't have an eating disorder, she just looks like she has one. She's focusing on gaining muscle though rather than gorging combined with assal horizontology)

On the plus side, this means that I will still have friends after this. And that Nord's family still love me and support me no matter what.

As for Flower: she's moving interstate in a month. Her cat is going to be taken to an animal shelter if she doesn't claim it by the time she moves out. Her furniture will be staying at the house unless it's sold off by her. Her car is being sold. I've told Nord that any conversations between her and him once she moves out are to be strictly involving her paying him (and not prompting her) and nothing else. He is to cut off all contact with her once that happens-phone, internet and so on-and not make any attempts afterwards.

I did point out that she screwed him over. He's still taking it in his stride and I've told him that any new housemate/s need to sign rental agreements. My dad backed me up on this one as well. He also agreed with baindshe and I further pointed out to him that it would've NEVER occurred to me to use Nord like that. EVER. Nord will shout dinner occasionally and movies, but I will contribute where I can and in any way I can (ie he'll pay tickets, I'll pay food).

[siead_lietrathua]

He also agreed with baindshe and I further pointed out to him that it would've NEVER occurred to me to use Nord like that. EVER. Nord will shout dinner occasionally and movies, but I will contribute where I can and in any way I can (ie he'll pay tickets, I'll pay food).

well, and you and nord are partners. it's understandable that you two might lean on each other for monetary support if shit came up, or come to agreements on who-pays-what.

roommates are their own ballgame, and should not expect their platonic friends to carry their asses.

[fireheart17]

well, and you and nord are partners. it's understandable that you two might lean on each other for monetary support if shit came up, or come to agreements on who-pays-what.

roommates are their own ballgame, and should not expect their platonic friends to carry their asses.

This is exactly the reason why I've refused to move in with him at this point. I don't make enough to cover rent AT ALL and my contributions would mostly be assisting with the cooking, cleaning and running errands for him. For me to move in on the back of the fury that I had about Flower not paying rent would be hypocritical.

I'm still considering moving in AFTER I've finished my studies and I can gain some more steady work.

[fireheart17]

So she's slowly selling off her furniture preparing for either the big move or to just move period. She still owes him rent.
She now owes him utilities as the electricity bill came through. He has to pay the whole damn thing on his own because she's predictably not around. She says she'll pay him on Monday when she gets paid. I don't buy it.
I am still frustrated because he actually cares about her. He on the other hand, believes that everything I say about her is blinded by my hatred for her. It's not. It's actually caring for him and it's frustrating to see that he doesn't give two shits about it.

[fireheart17]

Well, my prediction was true. She didn't pay him. All bets are off now and Nord's just as pissed as I am.

I pointed out to him that me being passive-aggressive would at least get my point across without it resulting in a screaming match and the police being called. So he agreed.
Her stuff is still here and she has until the end of the week to clear it out. He's finally put his foot down and said that she has until the end of the month to clear her shit out. Whatever isn't cleared out is being used by me/us or being donated, sold or dumped.

I'm being slightly evil in the meantime though and using some of her shit. Food, toiletries etc. are all being used by me. Some of her towels are being used by us now as "guest towels/hair dye towels" and we're using her food.

[fireheart17]

And the whole stunning saga has finally come to an end.

She took the last of her shit tonight. Apparently she's either sold her car or a wide-screen TV (not a big one mind you and it was an old CRT model ) and a SMALL TV unit will not fit in the boot of her car (her car can handle both TRUST ME). A friend came and got them with her.

Let me tell you, I was shaking like a leaf the minute she showed up though. Why? Because I didn't want to get into a screaming match with her and avoiding her was the best route. So I turned the lights off, turned my iPad off and hid in my partners bedroom until she left. All I could hear was my own breathing

I filled Nord in and he sent me back encouraging messages, so I think he's glad her crap's gone as well. I can also NOT hide my stuff in weird places now since she also left the keys behind (because I didn't know what time she was coming over, I was hiding my stuff in places so it looked like I wasn't there period).

She fucked us both over and we're glad that she's out of our lives now. It has still left me unable to talk to Falcon, but I'm doing it out of respect for Nord, not because of Flower. I'm hoping that in time though, Nord will come around and let Falcon talk to me again.

And a summary of how she fucked us both over? Her "damage" bill (both psychologically and physically) so far (since that night) is:

Me:

-Lost a friend (Falcon)
-Drove a rift between me and Nord temporarily. It's healing, but we still have a ways to go.
-Made me feel like I was stupid and horrible.
-Blocked me for no apparent reason at first (on Facebook), then "unblocked" me on her terms. (I blocked her after that)
-Left me increasingly paranoid when I was over at the house, even when she wasn't around.
-Put me under a "tight" leash with Nord for a while.
-Accused me of "twisting" her words.

Nord:

-Tried to drive a rift between us.
-Suddenly up and left with minimal warning.
-Broke a promise to find him a new housemate. (That failed...I'm guessing that she couldn't find a puppet)
-Screwed him out of rent for the entire period she lived in the house. (and I'm surprised that Nord put up with her bullshit for as long as he did...)
-Screwed him out of utilities...ALL of them. (Internet he gets for free due to work, but electricity/gas/water he does not) He got stuck with a $1000 electricity bill...that was partially an estimate though.
-Did NOT take good and proper care of her cat until she had him rehomed...end result is now the backyard (and front yard) has become a popular place for cats to hang around and it's annoying the everloving fuck out of him. (We don't let them in or feed them)
-Promised she'd pay him...never happened.

Part of me now wants to name and shame her, but I know that it would likely bite me in the ass. I did name and shame her briefly on Facebook within my close circle of friends and every single one of them that had close ties with her agreed with me.

My mental health is much better as a result and my panic attacks are now traceable to direct sources, namely work, uni, home.

[SkullKing]

I am happy to see things have been resolved, though she never did pay what she owned.

Good for you.

[fireheart17]

I am happy to see things have been resolved, though she never did pay what she owned.

Good for you.

Thanks. I can now go up to the house without fear of her suddenly rocking up.
I did leave her a long, vicious note prior to her getting her stuff that went something along the lines of "you're a hypocrite, you're a liar, you owe him money, pay up"

Given that nord may possibly be getting a job interstate anyway, he's currently living alone sans housemate, but we've both stated that friends are always welcome.