"I'm not judging you even though I am"

[Rageaholic]

No! It doesn't work that way! Prefacing something with "I'm not judging you" or "I'm not criticizing you" doesn't make it any less judgemental or critical. It's the same way "I'm not a racist" doesn't make saying something like "I don't want a Black man running this country" any less racist.

I'm just sick of people saying offensive or judgemental crap, but thinking because they preface it with those magic words, that you shouldn't get pissed off.

[siead_lietrathua]

look, rage, i'm not arguing with you, but you're totally wrong and stuff.

kidding! that drives me nuts to. best bet is to cut them off before they finish the damn sentance with "then don't!"
if people wanna say a douchy thing then own it and just say it. sigh.

[Aethian]

What I don't like is being called racist because I find a particular set of qualities sex worthy. People without those qualities could be perfectly handsome or sexy. I might even admit it BUT they aren't what make my heart rate go up.

[Gravekeeper]

What I don't like is being called racist because I find a particular set of qualities sex worthy. People without those qualities could be perfectly handsome or sexy. I might even admit it BUT they aren't what make my heart rate go up.

Wait, that's racism? Oh man. I am a terrible monster. -.-

[HYHYBT]

That's logically equivalent to saying anyone who isn't right-down-the-middle bisexual is sexist.

[Rageaholic]

Another variation of this is to outright deny that they're being bossy, rude, pushy, ect. Say someone is pressuring me to do something that i don't want to then telling me that their not pressuring me even though they won't shut the fuck up about it.

Another example: those street preachers who threaten you with hell fire then tell you that there's no pressure. A little late for that, don't ya think?

[blas87]

Oh Lord.....not much else makes me more Hulk blas than that!

"Don't get mad at me, but-".....and what comes after "but"? Usually something like "Well, I spent all my money last night and now I can't take you out for your birthday" or "I made out with your friend" or "I ran over your dog"

"Not to judge you or anything, but-"......."but it seems like you've slept with a lot of guys" "but it seems like you're really high maintenance" "but it seems like you're a real brat"

[HYHYBT]

So, then: what alternative approach, when trying either to soften the blow of that kind of bad news or to be gentle in saying something unpleasant you believe the other person needs to hear, would you like instead?

[Bardmaiden]

I once had a manager who started a sentence with "I don't mean to be sexist but.."

Told me to straighten cushions and things, because the boys can't do it right...

[Rageaholic]

So, then: what alternative approach, when trying either to soften the blow of that kind of bad news or to be gentle in saying something unpleasant you believe the other person needs to hear, would you like instead?

Most of the time, it's best to just not say the insulting or offensive thing.

[TheHuckster]

Most of the time, it's best to just not say the insulting or offensive thing.

First of all, as someone who has good friends who have called me out on some things I might be unaware of that are either rude or obnoxious and as a result improved myself, I respectfully disagree. It's one thing if someone is insulting just to be insulting (e.g. "You are a slut" or "You are so cheap!") but there are certain things that I might do that could even be just some habit I picked up and might even be doing subconsciously (e.g. "You've got to stop humming while you are taking exams" or "I've had to repeat myself so many times, you've got to pay attention").

There are times to be defensive and times not to be. If someone is pointing something out with the intention of at least letting me know how they feel about one of my actions, I'm going to listen, and not automatically take it as a slap in the face. Sometimes they're wrong, or they don't know the whole story behind why I did what I did, and I'll retort as such, but sometimes, guess what? They're right, I apologize, and try to avoid that again.

Second of all, while your response at least applies to half of the situations in the post, it doesn't apply to the second half, e.g. softening the blow for bad news. If I'm delivering bad news, I'm going to try to avoid being blunt about it. I probably wouldn't say "Please don't get mad..." because asking such a thing is pointless. If I ran over someone's dog, of course they'll be mad. I wouldn't expect anything less... but I am still going to make the delivery of the news as soft and empathetic as possible.

[HYHYBT]

Most of the time, it's best to just not say the insulting or offensive thing.

Which nicely avoids the meat of my question. Would you please answer it as asked, rather than cutting out the part which very clearly shows it was referring only to the times not covered by your answer?

[Rageaholic]

Maybe in those cases, it can be an exception IDK

I'm just sick of this being used when it's obvious you're going to get mad, upset, or offended regardless.

[Andara Bledin]

So, then: what alternative approach, when trying either to soften the blow of that kind of bad news or to be gentle in saying something unpleasant you believe the other person needs to hear, would you like instead?

Well, there's always, "Hey, I know this is probably a touchy subject, but..." or "Look, I know this is kind of impolite, but..."

You can be honest and avoid being blunt at the same time. All of the "I don't mean to be X" or the like is just setting things up in the worst possible light and making it look even more X than it would otherwise.

Take the "I don't mean to be sexist," example up above. The person could have avoided that entirely by just going straight to, "Oh, hey, you're the only one here who can manage to do this the right way, would you take care of it." No sexism, spoken or implied, and it's a positive framing rather than negative.

And you can do that with corrective commentary, too.

As for trying to soften the blow for having fucked up: don't. People don't like being told how to feel and it's guaranteed to escalate the situation. If you fuck up. own it and ask how to fix it, and then fix it to the best of your ability and make changes so you don't fuck up like that a second time.

[EricKei]

I once had a manager who started a sentence with "I don't mean to be sexist but.."

Told me to straighten cushions and things, because the boys can't do it right...

He needs to pick his words better. He could have been thinking that all he wanted, while he would have been better off saying "...because the others / those geniuses can't do it right" , without specifying a gender.