"I'm not judging you even though I am"

[Rageaholic]

Another one I'm sick of is "no pedo" after talking about how they want to bang an underage girl or boy. Now, I don't think people who are attracted to teenagers are pedophiles (acting on it is a different story). I could start an entirely different thread on the obnoxious and unfunny Chris Hanson memes. However, saying "no pedo" just makes you look like a huge hypocrite.

[siead_lietrathua]

well, technically, people that are attracted to pubescent teens aren't pedo's. they're endophiles.

not that it makes it much better. but if i hear someone saying "i'd bang her, no pedo" i would automatically assume the girl they're talking about has to be under the age of 11 or so. which is freaking disgusting. even if they aren't, that's what using the word implies to anyone who knows it's definition.

[BlaqueKatt]

So, then: what alternative approach, when trying either to soften the blow of that kind of bad news or to be gentle in saying something unpleasant you believe the other person needs to hear, would you like instead?

All "yous" are general yous.


Are you trying to soften the blow because you care about their feelings or because you want to avoid unpleasant consequences?

Also I generally don't like people thinking I *need* to hear anything, my life is *not* run by committee, and anyone thinking they have earth-shattering news to tell me about myself/my life choices are going to get asked which of my bills they're going to pay this month since they think they have a handle on what *I* need to be doing.

In other words, what makes you an expert on their life/thoughts/feelings?
Because it's kind of being a presumptive jerk, and smacks of "I know better than you, so hear my decree from on high foolish one". And 9 times out of 10 something you Think they need to hear, is more about your ego, and wanting to be a hero than actually helping the other person.


Unsolicited advice is usually just one person trying to feel superior over another.

"you should smile more"
"you should wear more/less makeup"
"you should go to school so you can get out of retail"
"you should just quit drinking"
"you need to watch what you eat and start exercising, then you won't be sick"

notice the above can all be prefaced with "not to sound judgemental but"
but sound really odd with Andara's

"Hey, I know this is probably a touchy subject, but..." or "Look, I know this is kind of impolite, but..."

[TheHuckster]

"you should smile more"
"you should wear more/less makeup"
"you should go to school so you can get out of retail"
"you should just quit drinking"
"you need to watch what you eat and start exercising, then you won't be sick"

I agree, at least for unsolicited advice (e.g. if the current topic of discussion were that your friend was complaining about their career in retail and want a job that requires educational training, I would totally suggest the third item), that those items shouldn't be said out of nowhere, and saying it out of the blue does come off as being a total jerk, even if it's with the best of intentions.

Except for the "quit drinking" part. I've had friends who were literally destroying not only their lives, but the lives of their loved ones (spouses, friends, their kids) through alcoholism. One of them were charged with DUI, and thankfully they did not harm anyone and instead got arrested... but it goes to show that when someone truly has a drinking problem, it can be a life or death issue that does need to be brought up from a good friend.

Wearing too much makeup isn't going to kill anyone, but an out-of-control drinking problem can truly destroy lives, and should not be brushed under the rug.

[Rageaholic]

Because it's kind of being a presumptive jerk, and smacks of "I know better than you, so hear my decree from on high foolish one". And 9 times out of 10 something you Think they need to hear, is more about your ego, and wanting to be a hero than actually helping the other person.

This is sadly true. I think those who genuinely want to help would take another, less pushy approach. People who just give random unsolicited advice or criticism when you don't want to hear it are being anything but helpful. Like these ass wipes who comment on how messy my car is. Why tell me this? You think I don't know that my car is messy? What is telling reminding me of such going to accomplish other than getting on my nerves? I wouldn't mind it so much if it was a one shot thing, but when someone always has to comment on what a mess my car is or some other habit they don't approve of, it becomes a drain. Just STFU and mind your own business.

It's why I hate the "I'm not judging or criticizing you but..." approach so much. Most of the time, someone who takes such approach think that they should be able to say crap without me getting upset. Then when I do get upset, I'm the bad guy for not appreciating their wonderful wisdom.

[Rageaholic]

And another thing...

I hate "I'm not saying such and such is lying" after talking about how suspicious they are of someone. It's usually said about crime victims after nitpicking details about the story. It's another major red flag telling me that someone is probably full of shit.

[BlaqueKatt]

Except for the "quit drinking" part. I've had friends who were literally destroying not only their lives, but the lives of their loved ones (spouses, friends, their kids) through alcoholism.<snip>but an out-of-control drinking problem can truly destroy lives, and should not be brushed under the rug.

And "you should just quit drinking" actually doesn't help. It's a mental health issue, and saying that is akin to "you should just stop having cancer"

It requires the services of a mental health/addiction councilor not just will power. And many times confronting an alcoholic can make things worse, or make them continue in hiding. No it shouldn't be brushed under the rug but, addressing it vs. brushing it under the rug is a false dichotomy, there's more than two options.

actually discussed here

[TheHuckster]

And "you should just quit drinking" actually doesn't help. It's a mental health issue, and saying that is akin to "you should just stop having cancer"

It requires the services of a mental health/addiction councilor not just will power. And many times confronting an alcoholic can make things worse, or make them continue in hiding. No it shouldn't be brushed under the rug but, addressing it vs. brushing it under the rug is a false dichotomy, there's more than two options.

I get that alcoholism requires professional help, but there needs to be some kind of intervention by the person's closest friends to seek help.

So, yeah, I guess literally saying "you should stop drinking" is akin to "you should just stop having cancer" but in my experience the difference between those two situations are the cancer victim usually knows they have cancer, and are actively seeking treatment for it. Alcoholics might know deep down inside they have a problem, but are not seeking treatment for it. That's where some action by trusted friends and confidants may be warranted.

[Rageaholic]

And "you should just quit drinking" actually doesn't help. It's a mental health issue, and saying that is akin to "you should just stop having cancer"

It requires the services of a mental health/addiction councilor not just will power. And many times confronting an alcoholic can make things worse, or make them continue in hiding. No it shouldn't be brushed under the rug but, addressing it vs. brushing it under the rug is a false dichotomy, there's more than two options.

actually discussed here

I agree with this so much. Telling someone "just stop drinking" or "just stop eating too much" makes light of their struggle and assumes to know what they are going through. That cracked article is spot on. I love how the author counters not only the useless advice, but the likely defenses (usually something like "but that's not what that means"). You can tell the author has been fed up with being told such useless platitudes all their life.

Though I gotta say, the "Brutal Honesty" approach isn't a whole lot better. Telling someone "life is tough get used to it" is just cruel.