Tone Policing

[Rageaholic]

Let me make this clear, I don't have a problem with tone policing if it means telling someone off who's being a dick. Bill O'reilly, Bill Maher, Rush Limbaugh, and other opinionated jerks deserve to be called out on their assholery. I think a lot of the time, these people pull the "it's my opinion!!" card to excuse personal attacks against others.

What I am sick of is people who feel the need to correct others who are obviously just letting off steam and not attacking anyone personally. To use a hypothetical example, say someone who had a bad day at work said that their boss was a nazi. A bunch of people then jump on the person for using such harsh language, that they come across as irrational, ect. I mean, sure it wasn’t the best choice of words, but when you’re pissed off about something, you’re not always thinking about the best way to say something. And since the boss wasn’t there to hear the nazi comment, why is the choice of words such a big deal any way?

Picking on someone for their tone or choice of words used when angry is just unnecessary. It’s almost like telling them that they have no right to feel a certain way (which is bullshit). But I’ve seen this a lot both online and offline and it’s really starting to become a pet peeve.

[bara]

This is sadly extremely common when working in retail. "People can hear you smile over the phone". BLECH

[Gravekeeper]

This is sadly extremely common when working in retail. "People can hear you smile over the phone". BLECH

I like that one. Because no, no they can't. Just as they can't hear me wishing them prostate cancer or sketching them being set upon by wild dogs on a post it note.

[HYHYBT]

Picking on someone for their tone or choice of words used when angry is just unnecessary.

Up to a point. If someone were spouting unwarranted nastiness *about you,* (specifically or, to a lesser degree, a generalization which includes you) would their being angry mean it isn't hurtful or that you shouldn't respond accordingly?

[siead_lietrathua]

Up to a point. If someone were spouting unwarranted nastiness *about you,* (specifically or, to a lesser degree, a generalization which includes you) would their being angry mean it isn't hurtful or that you shouldn't respond accordingly?

But rageaholic added the point of "not attacking anyone personally" in his OP.

i think calling people out on shit has to vary depending on the circumstances. people venting is fine, but when they start making very horrendous statements that you know is out of their character, it can help to bring them back to earth.
granted, online is different because it's anonymous, but with people you know well it can be useful to snap them back to reality. (depending on their personalities etc).

but some things just are not cool to say, even in anger, and i don't feel bad giving people shit for it. to use an exaggerated example, if someone in a fit of anger ranted that a person 'deserves to get raped by a group of 20 linebackers on bathsalts' with utter sincerity in their tone, i would probably tell them off for being a douche.

[Sleepwalker]

This is sadly extremely common when working in retail. "People can hear you smile over the phone". BLECH

I once met one of those mythical psychic customers. She refused to be served by me. It was quite eerie-how did she detect my contempt for her?

The tens of thousands of other clueless customers sure didn't notice me desiring their fiery deaths.

[crashhelmet]

I like that one. Because no, no they can't. Just as they can't hear me wishing them prostate cancer or sketching them being set upon by wild dogs on a post it note.

Actually, they can.

There is a distinct tone that comes out of you when you're legitimately smiling. It is also noticeable when you're forcing yourself to speak with a smile.

The Vocal Communication of Different Kinds of Smile

[crashhelmet]

I once met one of those mythical psychic customers. She refused to be served by me. It was quite eerie-how did she detect my contempt for her?

The tens of thousands of other clueless customers sure didn't notice me desiring their fiery deaths.

Some people know how to read body language. If she was waiting in line, she might have had ample time to read you.

[Rageaholic]

but some things just are not cool to say, even in anger, and i don't feel bad giving people shit for it. to use an exaggerated example, if someone in a fit of anger ranted that a person 'deserves to get raped by a group of 20 linebackers on bathsalts' with utter sincerity in their tone, i would probably tell them off for being a douche.

Oh yeah, there are certain things you shouldn't say no matter how mad you are. I'm not excusing those things. I just think people should stop being so critical and invalidating what others say because they don't like the choice of words.

[siead_lietrathua]

Oh yeah, there are certain things you shouldn't say no matter how mad you are. I'm not excusing those things. I just think people should stop being so critical and invalidating what others say because they don't like the choice of words.

oh like "damn that llama loving whackadoodle" and having someone be like "er.... that's an alpaca"

i get what ya mean though, and totally agree.

[D_Yeti_Esquire]

I find tone policing itself tends to stem most of the time from two extremes and one of which I find justified. For me, I have no problem with tone policing someone who has no sense of their own hypocrisy. For example I end up in a lot of general feminism discussions but often I get astounded by people who will use "mansplaining" at people they don't know and later get irate when someone mentions something about their own tone either not remembering they used the word previously or being genuinely not aware that that word is an attack on the tone of the speaker. That's one example, but there are plenty. I tend to refer to it as retaliatory tone policing, but if the convo is already going off the rails... flame on.

But tone policing in a vacuum I hate. It tends to suggest to me either a disregard for the speaker's ability to tell or their choice to voice their argument or statements how they choose. Or, in many cases it comes off as a desperate attempt to move the conversation away from the topic at hand (often because that person is being throttled.)

That said, I've still seen a number of people that I get astounded by their inability to check their rage. I've just never seen any amount of "calling them out" that lets them in on something that 20 or 30 years on this planet hasn't already. That's just how they are.

[Rageaholic]

Another thing I hate about tone policing is, ironically, the tone of the tone police. They come across as so superficial, as if they want to look like the sane person, but are doing so in such an extremely condescending way that they only alienate people. At worst, you get those who actually get offended by another persons anger (like in the nazi example "how dare you compare your plight to what the nazis did! raggle raggle raggle!"). I mean, in some contexts, I could understand getting upset, but when a person is just letting off steam, acting all offended comes across as extremely sanctimonious.