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Hi. It's me again. Remember me? I'm here to vent. Again. I don't know what good it'll do me, but I've become so despondent I suppose I have to get it out of my system somewhere. This isn't my blog or something, I always feel bad posting things like this, but somebody needs to hear it besides my own mind.
Last I posted here to any great degree was, what, 8 months ago? Well, I've just been floundering about since then of course, and I didn't want to keep bugging you all with my various crises. Last December I went to a psych ward due to my suicidal tendencies. I was only there for a couple of days, but I couldn't afford to spend anymore time there because I didn't want to lose my job. More on that later. I just couldn't believe it had gotten to that point, where I had to go to hospital because I literally couldn't handle myself anymore. Anyways, it was mildly helpful, I suppose. I got prescribed a mountain of drugs which more or less had no real effect on me, except Ambien, which is a gift from God.
Then I got a new coworker who decided that, even though she had a boyfriend, it would be fun to dick around with my mind for a while. I admit I didn't behave appropriately given the situation, but I'm just so alone and I needed the attention. That's not a justification, just an explanation. Anyways, that emotional affair of hers - no, I didn't sleep with her, it was just a bunch of leading me on and me being an idiot and playing right into it - lasted a few weeks until she suddenly remembered she had a boyfriend and pushed me away. So I ended up worse for wear at the end of that, and it was pretty much my own damn fault for not being strong enough.
Then something amazing happened. I don't know how to type the buildup to this without it sounding like the cheesiest thing you'll ever read and I apologize for that. I don't even know if I can type this without crying, but I'll try to. A friend of mine came back into my life who I hadn't seen in months. A close friend who vanished several months ago and who I had desperately been trying to locate since then. It turned out she was in rehab the whole time. I knew she'd had a major pill problem and I'm glad she was getting help knowing that - I was just so worried about her.
That wasn't the only thing she had to tell me though. She told me she loved me. Like, that she was in love with me. That she had been for years, but never told me because she never thought I'd feel the same way and because she didn't want to get me wrapped up in her drug problems. And I basically felt the same way. I'd dreamed of hearing those words from her for years. It was like something out of a storybook. It was the kind of thing that never happened to me.
The thing was, we had a waiting period. She was still in outpatient, and had pretty strict restrictions on what she could do, like see me. She had 45 days left before she would be totally free and we could be together. We could communicate via texting and things like that, we just couldn't see each other, although we managed to get together once during that time.
7 days before her rehab would've been done, she relapsed. And now she has to go back to rehab in a different part of the state for God knows how long. We can't communicate with each other. I might never see her again. I don't even know what clinic she's at. The whole thing happened so quickly, I'm still twisting in the wind from it. I don't blame her - that's just addiction - but this sick game the universe keeps playing with me has practically driven me mad with despair.
As if that wasn't enough, the same week she relapsed, I got fired. That was all last week. I'd been working at my place of employment for over a year, and one stupid mistake - one that everybody else who worked there had made before at least once - was enough to get me fired. Which pretty much means my bitch of a manager was just waiting for some opportunity.
I'm sick of this. All of it. I don't want to try anymore, because when I do, all that ever happens is some sort of sick parody of life. I'm only 24, and I've had my fill of it. The thought of another day wearies me, but I just keep drifting along for some reason, even though it makes no difference. I just need one thing to go my way. Just one God damned thing, but it never will. It never has.
Thanks for reading.
Last I posted here to any great degree was, what, 8 months ago? Well, I've just been floundering about since then of course, and I didn't want to keep bugging you all with my various crises. Last December I went to a psych ward due to my suicidal tendencies. I was only there for a couple of days, but I couldn't afford to spend anymore time there because I didn't want to lose my job. More on that later. I just couldn't believe it had gotten to that point, where I had to go to hospital because I literally couldn't handle myself anymore. Anyways, it was mildly helpful, I suppose. I got prescribed a mountain of drugs which more or less had no real effect on me, except Ambien, which is a gift from God.
Then I got a new coworker who decided that, even though she had a boyfriend, it would be fun to dick around with my mind for a while. I admit I didn't behave appropriately given the situation, but I'm just so alone and I needed the attention. That's not a justification, just an explanation. Anyways, that emotional affair of hers - no, I didn't sleep with her, it was just a bunch of leading me on and me being an idiot and playing right into it - lasted a few weeks until she suddenly remembered she had a boyfriend and pushed me away. So I ended up worse for wear at the end of that, and it was pretty much my own damn fault for not being strong enough.
Then something amazing happened. I don't know how to type the buildup to this without it sounding like the cheesiest thing you'll ever read and I apologize for that. I don't even know if I can type this without crying, but I'll try to. A friend of mine came back into my life who I hadn't seen in months. A close friend who vanished several months ago and who I had desperately been trying to locate since then. It turned out she was in rehab the whole time. I knew she'd had a major pill problem and I'm glad she was getting help knowing that - I was just so worried about her.
That wasn't the only thing she had to tell me though. She told me she loved me. Like, that she was in love with me. That she had been for years, but never told me because she never thought I'd feel the same way and because she didn't want to get me wrapped up in her drug problems. And I basically felt the same way. I'd dreamed of hearing those words from her for years. It was like something out of a storybook. It was the kind of thing that never happened to me.
The thing was, we had a waiting period. She was still in outpatient, and had pretty strict restrictions on what she could do, like see me. She had 45 days left before she would be totally free and we could be together. We could communicate via texting and things like that, we just couldn't see each other, although we managed to get together once during that time.
7 days before her rehab would've been done, she relapsed. And now she has to go back to rehab in a different part of the state for God knows how long. We can't communicate with each other. I might never see her again. I don't even know what clinic she's at. The whole thing happened so quickly, I'm still twisting in the wind from it. I don't blame her - that's just addiction - but this sick game the universe keeps playing with me has practically driven me mad with despair.
As if that wasn't enough, the same week she relapsed, I got fired. That was all last week. I'd been working at my place of employment for over a year, and one stupid mistake - one that everybody else who worked there had made before at least once - was enough to get me fired. Which pretty much means my bitch of a manager was just waiting for some opportunity.
I'm sick of this. All of it. I don't want to try anymore, because when I do, all that ever happens is some sort of sick parody of life. I'm only 24, and I've had my fill of it. The thought of another day wearies me, but I just keep drifting along for some reason, even though it makes no difference. I just need one thing to go my way. Just one God damned thing, but it never will. It never has.
Thanks for reading.
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