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Stop telling how to handle this. (WARNING. SENSITIVE TOPICS. VERY SENSITIVE)

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  • Stop telling how to handle this. (WARNING. SENSITIVE TOPICS. VERY SENSITIVE)

    YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED. TRAUMATIC SENSITIVE ISSUES




    I am a victim of repeated sexual abuses, assaults, and rapes. All done at different times in my life and by different people. From cousins, to friend's brothers, to an irate-ex boyfriend.

    I handled most on my own. When the childhood molestation incidents came out, I was put into therapy but didn't feel comfortable enough with the therapists to talk about it. (looking back, I was extremely embarrassed about it all, and I don't speak or open up when that happens, no matter how serious the issue is)

    The rape and sexual assaults happened three different times, three different men. Two at 18 (the most violent ones) and one at 21.

    Now, I don't use those incidents as something to garner pity. I really don't. I had a decent support system for the most part, even when the law wasn't on my side when I came to it twice. I'm not afraid of intimacies, and aside from being honest about it with my relationship partners, I usually not let it affect my day to day life.
    I do see myself a survivor, and that's all that matters.

    However, some days, bad memories come up. It isn't often, but during those days I just need to reach out and hug someone while I try to sleep. Last night was one of those nights. My friend who is also someone who experienced sexual assault and who was with me during the violent times had her wounds reopened in a cruel way, and we had to comfort each other. After she calmed down, I stayed awake. I went downstairs and called out to my best friend/roommate who I've been close with for a long while. (like near relationship close) I was admittedly a bit irate but he went up to my room, but my other roommate with him told me to sit down and ask why I was being "too needy" and "too clingy"

    I explained why. And he tells me I need to stop letting it control my life.
    And how "yes, he can say that" because he is older and knows women who survived worse.


    First of all, I never wanted to play perpetual victim. Some days I just have bad days and need someone. Period.

    Second, I refused to let it control my life beyond the three months of hell I rushed myself into after I was 18 and the two violent ones happened. Those messed me up the most, and its still the ones I have nightmares about. Rare, but it happens. But I had, for the most part, moved on. I don't spend daily sorrows comparing it to what happened.

    Third. I don't care who you know who went through what. We ALL experience this differently. We ALL handle it differently.

    Just cause I need someone once in awhile doesn't mean it controls my life. And I don't care, but you're not me. You DON'T get to have a say on how I will handle it in the end.

    I never even told my best friend why I needed that hug, and he knows everything that ever went on in my life.

    I was pretty upset when I got upstairs.

    My roommate also said I couldn't use this to "control" my bestie.

    ...I feel kind of disgusted now.

  • #2
    If it's a dude, kick him in the balls and when he cries or complains, tell him to shut up and stop his bitching as you know people who have survived worse.

    Not sure what to do for the female equivalent.
    Violence has resolved more conflicts than anything else. The contrary opinion that violence doesn't solve anything is merely wishful thinking at its worst. - Starship Troopers

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    • #3
      I'm... trying...to...wrap my head around you requesting your friend give you a hug is being needy or clingy.

      I can't, and it's hurting my head in the attempt. Then again, I'm the person in my friend circle who is the one who is often requested hugs from, so for me it's a very normal thing. I have a few friends who are also survivors, most of them you wouldn't be able to tell interacting with them.

      Two out of the several are some of the strongest, most caring people I know, and still on occasion I get "AmbrosiaWriter?" and I know they just want to sit with their head on my lap/shoulder while we watch cartoons or I play a video game.

      Heck, I know some people who don't really have any past trauma and they also have bad days where they need the simple comfort of just knowing that someone is there with them.

      Sorry, that got long winded.

      In a more focused opinion;

      That roommate is a dick. No, he can't say that. That's like a white guy saying something racist and then trying to make it okay with "Oh it's fine, I have friends who are black!" Just because he knows someone who has survived, doesn't mean he knows what it's like.

      It smacks to me of "one-up-manship." It also smacks to me of him being jealous. I'd say keep doing what you do and if he tries to "command" you again, tell him to mind his own business because any of that hugging/comfort stuff is strictly business between you and bestie. He has no right to stick his nose in it.

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      • #4
        Originally posted by AmbrosiaWriter View Post

        That roommate is a dick. No, he can't say that. That's like a white guy saying something racist and then trying to make it okay with "Oh it's fine, I have friends who are black!" Just because he knows someone who has survived, doesn't mean he knows what it's like.
        Funny thing is, that roommate is an older, black gentleman.

        Who hates it when people say like that because he had rough spots in his childhood himself.

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        • #5
          Originally posted by Greenday View Post
          Not sure what to do for the female equivalent.
          Same place but hit a little harder and a little off to one side. You're aiming for the pubic bones.

          Hurts about the same as a hit to the happy sacks does.

          Kaycivine...what you are dealing with is the post-trauma stress and frankly you seem to be doing well. Yes there are women who have faced worse and fare better, but that's not the point. Your roomie needs to remember that everyone deals with and heals from trauma in different ways and at different rates.

          Yes you have your moments where you have a minor crisis and need some comfort and yes some women have suffered worse and fare better than you but your roomie does not get to judge.

          Besides...your roomie doesn't seem to know how bad it could be. If I'm reading this right, you have those days when you need a hug and a shoulder to cry it out of your system and then are back to your usual self.

          You could be much worse. Much MUCH worse.

          My advice is to simply tell your roomie to mind his own business and consider himself lucky that you're not an emotional cripple 24/7 or a man-hating psycho-bitch who wears a necklace of severed penises.

          Then look at his crotch and slyly say "unless you want me to be and are willing to donate a starter for my collection".

          That'll shut him up.
          “There are worlds out there where the sky is burning, where the sea's asleep and the rivers dream, people made of smoke and cities made of song. Somewhere there's danger, somewhere there's injustice and somewhere else the tea is getting cold. Come on, Ace, we've got work to do.” - Sylvester McCoy as the Seventh Doctor.

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          • #6
            ugh. flashback days are the worst.
            many hugs kaycivine.

            dude was an ass. like, smack-in-the-face ass. hopefully he doesn't keep puttin shit between you and your friend.
            All uses of You, You're, and etc are generic unless specified otherwise.

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            • #7
              *hugs* Ambrosia Writer is right, just because he knows someone that it happened to doesn't mean he knows what it's like. Even between 2 different victims how they react to it is different, there is no right or wrong way to deal with it everyone is different. They guy is an asshole for saying that.
              "I like him aunt Sarah, he's got a pretty shield. It's got a star on it!"

              - my niece Lauren talking about Captain America

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              • #8
                I found out that he was telling my closest person to "break up" with me before because our personalities are so different. (I'm usually a dominant type, outgoing and very blunt. My closest person is quiet, easygoing, and due to us being from different countries (although I speak his language) there are some cultural differences)


                He won't listen to the other roommate. We talked last night and he already kept saying "Its okay, I know how you are." He also knows that despite me being the seen as bitchy one, I'm actually really emotional and sensitive and he never minds being there when I need him to be.


                The more I think about it, the other roommate and I usually get along, but he is a bit of a misogynist. Kind of puts down women...constantly in some form or another.

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                • #9
                  Originally posted by kaycivine View Post
                  I explained why. And he tells me I need to stop letting it control my life.
                  And how "yes, he can say that" because he is older and knows women who survived worse.

                  I've experienced similar, I'm known for being curt.

                  "It doesn't, but you seem to be applying for the position*, not hiring.

                  *of life controller
                  Registered rider scenic shore 150 charity ride

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                  • #10
                    Its been a little over a week later, and I'm still troubled. Oddly enough I keep thinking more about what happened to me, and I'm not in a good emotional place today..

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                    • #11
                      First, I'm so sorry that happened to you. As a sexual assault survivor myself, I get it. Second, I'd be looking for a new room mate, and kick that guy to the curb. If you have a lease, tell him once it's up you want him gone, and have other room mate back you up.

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                      • #12
                        I'm out of there. Back at dad's.


                        It got to the point where my roommate was making comments that made me uncomfortable...

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                        • #13
                          Originally posted by kaycivine View Post
                          I'm out of there. Back at dad's.


                          It got to the point where my roommate was making comments that made me uncomfortable...
                          You did the right thing. He could have been understanding, but he choose to be a dick about instead. To hell with him.

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