Being an Introvert in a World Full of Extroverts

[BrenDAnn]

Before I start, let me make a small disclaimer. This isn't me whining, or being all 'poor me' about things. It's just a rant, and one that I've been meaning to get out for quite a while. That said... I am, as you can guess by the thread title, very much an introvert. I've had an idea of my being such since I was a senior in high school, but I'm finally, thirty-three years into life, coming to terms with it. I just wish the rest of the world would do the same. I know and accept that I'm not going to ever fit in with what society deems as normal. Hell, I even enjoy being different, most of the time. Sometimes, though, I just want to scream. I'm sure quite a few of my fellow CS/Fratching members can relate. In no particular order, and at the risk of sounding like every introvert meme ever, here are some things I get asked, or comments I get, nearly every damn week:

"Are you okay?/ What's wrong?"
I'm fine. Nothing is wrong. I'm quiet. It's called being an introvert and wanting to keep to myself. No big deal. Actually, I'm probably lost in thought about my writing, or bopping to whatever song is stuck in my head at the moment. Thanks for the concern though, I guess?

"Do you hate me?/ I think BrenDAnn doesn't like me."
Again... introvert. It takes me a while to warm up to people, and until I do, I can be downright quiet around them. Why is it that people take that as me hating them? Honestly! Not everyone out there is the type to want to be best buddies the second they meet someone!

"You should smile more. Are you not happy? Cheer up!"
I'm plenty happy. Really. I just happen to have what's known as a resting bitch face. I'm sorry if it comes off as me being grumpy. I'm really not. Truly, you can be happy without smiling. No, really, you can. You should try it sometime!

"But why would being around me be exhausting? All we'd be doing is hanging out, playing video games or something!"
Has anyone ever explained the concept of introversion to you? Being around extroverts is, in and of itself, a mentally and emotionally taxing thing. Oh, I like people. I just get... over-stimulated, I guess you could say. Again, an introvert thing.

"Why would you want to live there? You're in a small town, apart from the rest of society. I don't get it! Don't you get lonely?"
Lonely? No. Bored? Yes, quite often. Thing is, I like my little shell. I like my privacy and my being able to do whatever the fuck I want, with no neighbors close enough to see or judge. Part of the definition of introversion is the preference of being alone, relying oneself, after all.

"You come off as kind of a bitch."
I'm sure I do. It's not intentional. or at least not consciously. I've been told that I come off like a bitch, but I'm really a big smartass. That pretty well sums it up. Call it defensiveness, I guess.

"Why don't you talk a lot/have a lot of friends?"
I'm the quiet one. I always have been, always will be. I'm socially awkward. I don't like small talk. I also am not the type that needs to be surrounded in a hundred friends to be happy. I have my best friend, and we've seen each other through a lot. I'm good with that.

"You seem frazzled/upset."
It's the end of the day. I've been around people all day. I need my space to be alone and decompress. If I'm grumpy because of it, I'm sorry. I try to control it, really. It's just... the introvert in me, I guess.

"I'll get you out of your shell!/ Oh, we'll break you of that shyness!"
Okay, to an extent, yes, this has happened. However.. stop trying to force me to be something I'm not. I'm not bubbly, chipper, outgoing. I never will be. The more you try and force it, the more I'll fight it, and actually go further INTO my shell. How about you just let me be, and worry about yourself?

To sum it all up, being an introvert is both a blessing and a curse. My whole life, I didn't fit in. I was the weird one who was always picked on and, yes, bullied to an extent. Now, as an adult, I finally understand who I am and why. It's freeing, coming to terms with my introversion. I've learned to let a lot of what people do and say just fall off my shoulders instead of letting it bother me. At the same time, it's frustrating as hell realizing just how many people just don't seem to get it. My own family, with the exception of my Dad, doesn't even really 'get' me. To the people out there who fall into the 'not getting it' category: stop, and think before you speak. Words can hurt, and hearing the same stupid questions and comments over and over gets old very quickly. Accept your friends as the are, introvert, extrovert, or a mix of both, and be happy!

[cindybubbles]

I hear you. I don't like it when people drag me outside my comfort zone, either. I'm also an introvert, and would be happy doing stuff on my own.

[Rageaholic]

Amen to a lot of this.

"I'll get you out of your shell!/ Oh, we'll break you of that shyness!"
Okay, to an extent, yes, this has happened. However.. stop trying to force me to be something I'm not. I'm not bubbly, chipper, outgoing. I never will be. The more you try and force it, the more I'll fight it, and actually go further INTO my shell. How about you just let me be, and worry about yourself?

There are also those who try to put you in the spotlight. I'm a little bit more forgiving of that because they might not know they're making you uncomfortable, but those who continue to push and get on your case need to have their teeth kicked in. I should not be made to feel like a horrible person for not wanting to be mr social.

[BrenDAnn]

Agreed, Rageaholic. Then there are the ones who think that you're totally making the whole introverted thing up, or just saying it. No, it's real. Stop trying to act like it's not, and force me into being the extrovert that I'm not!

[patiokitty]

I have a friend who thrives on human contact and has to be out and about a much as possible. She cannot get it through her head that I, as an introvert, am not like that. She is always after me to do stuff after work even though I have repeatedly told her that by the end of my work day I am wanting to go recharge at home where the only person I have to deal with is my son. And on weekends she is always trying to talk me into going to various places with her - she is exhausting!

Today is a fine example. We went to one of the malls yesterday - I had to go anyways because it was time for me to get my nails redone (I bit the bullet a couple of months ago and am getting acrylic nails done professionally because I enjoy being pampered a bit), and to do some shopping. Okay, great. But almost as soon as I got home after getting my grocery shopping done yesterday she was 'there are icebergs that can be seen from Signal Hill...we should go tomorrow...blah blah blah'. And this is after already being told that I would be spending today at home being a hermit.

Well, she started messaging me at 8:30 this morning to get up, get up, get up. I did not roll out of bed until 11am. As soon as I go online she calls me a lazy ass. Um, no? It's not exactly a secret that I tend to sleep in as late as I can on the weekends. And when I tell her that my feet are sore and swollen she gets all huffy because it means HER plans for today are essentially ruined. And yes, my feet ARE sore and swollen...I'm trying to get into my doctor to adjust/increase my high blood pressure meds, but it was just a convenient excuse to give my friend to explain why I was not up to going out today. Perhaps if a bus actually went up to the top of Signal Hill I may have gone out to see the icebergs, but the walk up the winding road is all uphill and long, and there is no way on Earth I'm up to doing the North Head Trail either. So now she's pouting, and I'm pissed off because I should not have to keep having to come up with excuses!

Some people will just not learn...or they believe everybody should be like them. Ugh.

[XCashier]

My whole life, I didn't fit in. I was the weird one who was always picked on and, yes, bullied to an extent. Now, as an adult, I finally understand who I am and why. It's freeing, coming to terms with my introversion. I've learned to let a lot of what people do and say just fall off my shoulders instead of letting it bother me. At the same time, it's frustrating as hell realizing just how many people just don't seem to get it. My own family, with the exception of my Dad, doesn't even really 'get' me.

Wow, I could have written most of this post! Not only am I introverted, I can't "read" people very well at all. This has caused me no end of problems. People think I'm, at best, eccentric and at worst a stone-cold bitch or stupid. It is severely frustrating. I do want to make friends and do things, but so few people can just live and let live without letting personal politics or a pecking order get in the way. Differences in communication style can be a pain, too.

[kaycivine]

I'm an extrovert. I am a very social person, and can be in a community of all sorts of people and try to chat most, if not all, up and make new friends.

However, I do realize boundaries. If you say no to an invitation to an outing. If you tell me "hey, I need some space," or if you just say outright "you're too social and its intimidating." (Got told this last week)

I can and WILL back off. Just tell me. I need to know if it happens. Being extroverted doesn't automatically mean we're tasteless assholes. Doesn't automatically mean we're not intellectual (someone we have been accused of)

I tend to date introverts, and some of my best friends are the quietest people around. I like the balance we give to the world when we team up. I will calm down, they will get a little more out of their shell. (On their own, not from me pushing)

Its things like this that give extroverts a bad name :<

[Crazedclerkthe2nd]

I'm introverted too. I used to think there was something wrong with me and although it has made certain aspects of my life more difficult at this point my feelings on it are as follows:

"Fuck it. This is who I am. I am not ashamed of it and if you don't like it then that's your problem not mine. I don't have to change for anyone and I'm happy being who I am."

[gremcint]

I recently had to drive it home with a jackhammer to a couple of my friends. Basically they just refused to understand. It really drives me up the wall when people try to "fix" me. I am not defective. I am not broken, just back off.

My sister once said to me that she doesn't understand how I'm not lonely all the time, here's the thing, you are not required to understand it, you just have to accept it.

My other friend said to me that when I told him I was an introvert he thought I meant I wanted help not being one anymore.

I've learned that Introverts understand Extroverts just fine and will let them be but the other way around is very hard for people to understand.

[BrenDAnn]

kaycivine, I'm glad to know there are people out there who DO understand, and even enjoy the company of us introverts. Bravo and I hope I didn't offend you as that was not my intention.

Wow! I knew this would get a few responses but this is amazing. It feels good to know I'm not the only "weird" one out there, haha! So many of your stories sound a lot like mine. patiokitty, your friend is going to wonder why the two of you drift apart someday. XCashier, it seems we both have the same social awkwardness. Fun times... for neither of us. CrazedClerk, I have pretty much decided the same thing at this point. Then again, maybe we just need to borrow that jackhammer gremcint used! Whatever helps people stop trying to figure us out and just let us freakin' be, right?

[Jetfire]

Introverts Unite! (In their own homes. :P )

Another Introvert here, though I tend to be more outgoing online, especially among familiar communities.

Luckily for the most part, I don't have many issues with friends trying to drag me out. Possibly because I have few RL friends in my city, or more likely because they are a bit introverted as well. Usually we gather every few weeks and play Magic basically, and maybe some other board games occasionally.

For me, once a year, I have my big Outgoing Event (SOELive) where I'm out, meeting friends and participating nad stuff... and as soon as it's over, I'm exhausted and ready for a weeks vacation from my vacation, and had my fill of Stranger Contact for the year.

[Rageaholic]

I recently had to drive it home with a jackhammer to a couple of my friends. Basically they just refused to understand. It really drives me up the wall when people try to "fix" me. I am not defective. I am not broken, just back off.

I fucking hate that too. Even if I was broken and needed help, pressuring me to be more social is just going to alienate me further.

[Seshat]

I've successfully explained it to a few people that "Extroverts get their energy from being around other people. Introverts get their energy from waking time being alone. Therefore, extroverts usually like to be social on weekends, while introverts are exhausted from the work week and need recharge time alone."

... sadly, I haven't yet successfully explained it to my brother or father.

Another thing that often helps (but not at work if you have a social job!) is to explain that it takes all sorts to make a world; and if not for introverts, who could do the lonely jobs?

And kaycine (sp?), extroverts who 'get it' and are friendly and fine are - well, just fine. I know I'm in a minority. I know the default assumption is 'extrovert' simply because there are so many of them. But if you (generic-you) take my 'thanks but no thanks' with grace, I'm grateful. Both for the offer, and for the grace with which you took the refusal.
To me, it's analogous to being offered a share of someone's tuna dip. I'm allergic to it, but it was kind of them to offer and it's not like I wear 'allergic to seafood' tattooed on my forehead! I don't have 'introvert' tattooed there either.

[telecom_goddess]

Oh perfect post! I'm an introvert and I feel exactly the same way you do. In fact I posted a thing about introverts on facebook the other day:

How to care for Introverts:

Respect their need for privacy

Never embarrass them in public

Let them observce first in new situations

Give them time to think don't demand instant answers

Don't interrupt them.

Give them advance notice of expected changes in their lives.

give them 15 minute warnings to finish whatever they are doing.

Teach them new skills privately.

Enable them to find one best friend who has similar interests and abilities.

Don't push them to make lots of friends

Respect their introversion, don't try to change them into extroverts.

[BrenDAnn]

Wow, telecom_goddess, I know a few people in my life that should really read that! Glad to know I'm not alone in my introversion-- at least not in a bad way, anyway.