It Happened Again

[blas87]

......so, uh...

I'm going to be an Auntie again.

My little brother got another girl pregnant. His current girlfriend, that he's been with since last summer.

Ya know, I'm trying not to be upset or a judgemental conservative prick about it, but growing up, my brother was (is?) the favorite child, the "smart" one, the one that was going places. Got the college degree, his job pays twice an hour what mine does (we both have factory jobs but he's certified in maintenance and engineering), and he's had his own place now for almost as long as I had my own place (I've been at home since May 2012).

I did not picture him to be the type to not be careful. He believed his baby mama that she was taking her pill, he didn't feel the need to use protection with this one either. This one I like much better, but I'm still afraid.

Because of my experience in recent years with single dads, whether friends or guys I dated, I side almost 100% of the time with the guy because girls are just plain awful these days with kids, custody, and money. And I don't want my brother to just be another money factory.

I need a fucking hug. And a drink. And a new Coach bag.

[TheHuckster]

If there's any silver lining, at least they got to know each other for several months before it happened. The time I became an uncle it was from a one-night stand, and it didn't go too well after that. Do you see any future between the two of them?

[wolfie]

Memo to Blas' brother: Condoms and vasectomy are the ONLY methods of birth control that a man can be sure are being used correctly.

[cindybubbles]

So, who's going to take care of the kid, especially if things go bad between the brother and girlfriend?

[HYHYBT]

Memo to Blas' brother: Condoms and vasectomy are the ONLY methods of birth control that a man can be sure are being used correctly.

I can think of others. He should be able to tell, for instance, that oral sex is done in a way that won't lead to pregnancy.

[blas87]

This girl, I like the world over his worthless state warden of an ex, and I don't think she'd try to keep the baby from him and just make him pay out of his arse for it if things didn't work out. She's not the easiest girl to get along with and doesn't always treat him the best, but I'm also very protective of him and I'll always be tough on those girls.

At least this one wants to work and wants this baby to have his last name. The last girl ran away as soon as she found out she was pregnant, and only came back after my brother when the guy she originally wanted to be the father was incarcerated (so THEN she changed gears and wanted my brother's help with the rest of her pregnancy and got furious when he said no because he didn't know if he was the father and he was damned right for questioning that), and when that jailbird tested to not be the pappy, suddenly she swore to the courts she'd only slept with my brother and he was the father, so he was subpoeaned (sp?). Now he's just a big paycheck to her. Most single moms these days are just a bunch of vengeful bitches. Sorry for the blanket statement, but it's true. It's very likely when that lazy bitch finds out he's having another baby, she'll make it so he never gets to see the kid he already has, and he'll have to lawyer up (even though he already should have).

Too many guys in my life in recent years have shown me that it's not the way we always thought it was. Guys aren't always the slimeballs when it comes to the single parent game. Many girls just want money and to make all the rules.

[AccountingDrone]

and when that jailbird tested to not be the pappy, suddenly she swore to the courts she'd only slept with my brother and he was the father, so he was subpoeaned (sp?).

I would still demand that there would be a blood test to prove he was the father. Who knows who else she slept with besides the jailbird and your brother...

[the_std]

Most single moms these days are just a bunch of vengeful bitches. Sorry for the blanket statement, but it's true.

This is a pretty hurtful statement to apply to such a huge group of people. I'm sorry you and your brother are dealing with the consequences of his mistakes, and that the woman he made that mistake with is so unpleasant and dickish, but your statement is absolutely not true. I don't even understand how you can say it is. I might agree if you said...

Most gold-digging, custody-withholding, lying, sneaky single moms these days are just a bunch of vengeful bitches. Sorry for the blanket statement, but it's true.

But a lot of single moms are just regular people, trying to do the best they can. Just cause your bro stuck it in the crazy doesn't mean the crazy is a representative sample.

[Kuari]

I raised my son as a single parent, and while I am crazy it's not in the same way as blas' brother's ex-bitch.

I never went after my son's father for support - the man made it clear that he did not want to be part of my child's life. And I also knew that I would have had a fight on my hands if I'd tried to go after him because he was the sort to quit his job rather than even have his wages garnisheed. So, I went the route of not even listing the dude on my son's birth certificate so that Welfare couldn't force the issue. Besides, I didn't want an asshole around who had threatened to kick me in the stomach so I'd miscarry...he was the crazy one in my situation. So, not all single moms are vengeful bitches, and I'm sure that I'm not the exception.

[NecCat]

This is a pretty hurtful statement to apply to such a huge group of people. I'm sorry .... but your statement is absolutely not true. I don't even understand how you can say it is.

Thank you. I have tried to write a reasonable response but as a single mom I felt that keenly and everything I tried came out angry and defensive, so I'm glad you said it for me.

[blas87]

It may be hurtful and sound cruel to those of you who are truly doing it on your own and not using the legal system to your own advantage.

I've seen my brother's name smeared all over her Facebook as a deadbeat worthless guy who left her pregnant and all alone (despite what the real story is), she's publically been on there begging for money and other things when she already gets a good chunk of his paycheck every month. I will admit he needed a lawyer from the getgo, and that's his own laziness there, because there will be no working together with her or making things fair. And I know my biggest fear will be true, as soon as she finds out he has another one on the way, he won't see his daughter again until he does get a lawyer.

I have a coworker whose ex girlfriend refused to put his name on the birth certificate, and also went as far as to try to prove to court that he wasn't the father, even though he is. He is actually suing her and her ex husband (that she reconciled with) for the cost of all the DNA testing, and then he also had to get a lawyer and fight a PFA that she had put on him because when he was granted more custody of their baby, she ran to the police and said that when they'd been together he raped her. Thanks to De Novo hearings, he was able to prove his innocence, and now can get a fresh start, and hopefully soon, full custody.

I have another coworker who got cheated on by his ex wife, and post-divorce, she's broken custody agreements yet not faced any reprucussions, and has called the police on my coworker for neglecting his children and all kinds of lies, despite at that time, she lived 30 miles away from him.

You can be hurt and upset all you want. I realize there's a lot of girls in the horrible position where a guy refuses to step up or has to be court ordered to step up and be a father, and guys who match the shoes of all the Teen Mom guys to a T. This isn't the case. This is my case. My brother, my family. And the girl who, like many others, uses the child to get back at the father, uses the court systems to their advantage, and the cases now where the guys are the better more responsible parents, still are left with the stereotype that the woman is always the better caregiver and he should just step up and pay his dues and be quiet.

You can be hurt and upset all you want at me for thinking how I do. This is something that has made it almost impossible for my brother to be the father he wants to be. I highly doubt this is what will happen with the girl he's currently with, but you'll never change my mind about his ex. Or a lot of girls in my age group that I know from being friends with their baby daddies. Lately, guys are struggling more and more, and they'll never get their fair say in anything.

[NecCat]

Most single moms these days are just a bunch of vengeful bitches. Sorry for the blanket statement, but it's true.

You can be hurt and upset all you want at me for thinking how I do. This

the particular situations you describe earlier in the post

is something that has made it almost impossible for my brother to be the father he wants to be. I highly doubt this is what will happen with the girl he's currently with, but you'll never change my mind about his ex. Or a lot of girls in my age group that I know from being friends with their baby daddies. Lately, guys are struggling more and more, and they'll never get their fair say in anything.

Those two statements are very different. Most is a particular modifier that means all but a distinct minority. If you are included in the set, you are assumed included in the subset until you prove otherwise. A lot means a significant portion, but not most. Being in the set neither precludes or includes you in the subset. I'm not sure which statement best reflects the way you feel.

I grew up listening to my parents and family spout off about all the lazy single moms on welfare, sucking the system dry. After my husband died I went on welfare for three months until my son was old enough for daycare so I could work. And I felt like a piece of shit about it.

When I signed him up for hockey when he was three, and I would take him into the womens change room to dress him because I couldn't go in the mens, I was told that usually the fathers brought the kids so they could get dressed in the mens. When I explained he didn't have a father I was told my son probably didn't belong in hockey, and maybe I could try again in a few years. And I felt like shit.

Every time he behaves less than perfectly at school and it is suggested that maybe I should find him a male role model so he grows up better I feel like shit. When a parent of another child at my sons daycare yelled at me because my son told her daughter his dad was dead and it made her child have nightmares and I shouldn't let my son say such horrible things, I felt like shit. When people complain about all the tax breaks that single parents get, I feel like shit. When people pointedly tell me that boys that grow up with a single parent are more likely to go to jail I feel like shit.

I don't know what the people who tell me these things are hoping to accomplish. I don't know what you are hoping to accomplish by your opinions on single moms. I agree, family court is gender biased, and it is harder for single dads to get proper parental rights than single moms. That's a general problem, not indicative of any individual situation. Pre-judging all or most or a lot of the people who are in a situation because of your informed judgement of a few people who are also in that situation seems short sighted at best, and pointlessly but purposely hurtful at best.

[the_std]

I can almost guarantee that you're suffering from attribution bias here. You see these situations everywhere because you know people dealing with something similar. Has anyone ever told you that the plural of "anecdote" is not "data"? While I agree that men get shafted by family court and the various organizations associated with it, I can say with certainty that the majority of single moms in your area are regular human beings, not the soul-sucking succubi you've dealt with or heard one-sided stories about.

I will include my own anecdote here. A man I used to work with, who by all means was incredibly successful and well liked by the people he dealt with, became embroiled in a similar situation. He regularly told us stories about his evil harridan of an ex-wife who was using him as her own personal piggy bank while denying him access to his kids. This went on for months, with everyone rallying to his side, saying it was such a shame how fathers are treated now, and how his ex-wife must be scum for what she put him through.

Turns out he was incredibly abusive and manipulative, and she had spent years trying to extricate herself and her children from an unhealthy home. It was all now coming to a head, and my coworker used his bile and anger over it to turn everyone to his side. Of course we believed him - we'd never had any reason not to, as his wife and children were never really the type to be involved with work events. It only came to light when he was arrested for, and charged with, child abuse.

I know it can be hard to separate "personal" from "important", and because your brother is involved, the strength of feeling is high. But painting people with this brush because of it will do nothing but hurt your perception of some possibly good people, and continue to spread the stereotype that single moms are inherently bad people, and should be thusly punished and shamed by society.

[Kuari]

I fully get where your feelings are coming from, blas. My only objection is the wide brush you are using to paint single mothers/baby mamas with. Yes, there are those who are devil spawn who should never have been given the means to procreate, but there are many who are the exactly opposite. Bear in mind that you are often seeing only one side of the situation when it comes to your friends and coworkers so you do not know the entire story going on - nobody is perfect, and nobody wants to think that their friends have the potential to be douchebags.

[dendawg]

Most single moms these days are just a bunch of vengeful bitches. Sorry for the blanket statement, but it's true.

That's pretty much exactly like saying that all single dads are deadbeats. Maybe in your experience it's been true, but that's not necessarily indicative of everybody.