Whiny little sister

[Aragarthiel]

I'm the oldest of three girls. The youngest is 17 and about to graduate high school, and she is a CONSTANT whiner.

My grandparents took her on a once-in-a-lifetime week-long vacation to Arlington, VA and they visited DC while they were there. Her thoughts? "I'm going to miss my baptism and I won't get to see my boyfriend." Non-freakin-stop. She's been gone four days and when I asked her if she could just reschedule her baptism, I got "Yeah, but..." and nothing else. Her boyfriend doesn't seem to care much that she's gone, she's just clingy and soppy and it's getting old.

Not to mention, she graduates the day after my daughter's first birthday. She was FURIOUS about this, thinking that I DARED to ruin her graduation by having a birthday party the same day! Well, she graduates on a Wednesday. We won't be able to get everyone together until Sunday. I told her this and she still won't get over it!

She says I don't invite her over often enough. For one, there are three people living in a small two-bedroom house, so guests are rare enough as it is, Two, why would I want you over if you're just going to whine about how we ordered cheese and meat lover's pizzas and you wanted pepperoni! You're old enough to know tht life isn't fair. Get over it.

[cindybubbles]

How are your parents treating her? Do they give in to her every whim?

Was it always like this?

Perhaps it's time for them to put their collective foot down on her constant whining and make her do some chores.

[Aragarthiel]

She actually lives with my grandparents, who are VERY strict. I think that she's just looking for attention because she's the youngest and the other two of us are out on our own and succeeding at life.

I want so badly to just tell her, "Do you KNOW how much I'd love to go on a vacation? I'm stuck at home with a teething 10-month old and haven't been further than [nearest city 30 miles away] in months. Enjoy what you have now so we don't have to hear it when things get worse later, and you can't take vacations, visit friends, or have a boyfriend because you're too busy working and studying."

Now, I love my life. My daughter's amazing and the bills get paid. But she has it way better and has the gall to complain.

[BlaqueKatt]

Now, I love my life. My daughter's amazing and the bills get paid. But she has it way better and has the gall to complain.

judged on your standards.
I've been told I was "whiny and entitled" because for over a decade with my ex husband, his family, without fail planned something big, usually last minute, anytime I had planned something months in advance. I didn't have a wedding day(yup, sister married somone she met on myspace 4 months prior, NEVER got a birthday party of any kind because same sister planned her induction for my birthday, and the one cousin had a birthday the week after)

So what I'm saying is, your judging her better life by your standards, which isn't what she's living. How would you feel if the same was done to you? I realise your just venting but this is a tad like FTSTS.

Her graduation is likely a big thing for her, and she, like me, probably had a lot of people cancel on her party, but instead of understanding how she'd be upset(and remembering what it's like to be that age), you lash out at her for being whiny and tell her to get over it, without even taking into consideration that while now you can look back and say *psssh* graduation was nothing wait until x,y,z, milestones in life, because you've had yours, she hasn't had that luxury, and you've essentially "stolen" it from her AND told her she does't have a right to her valid feelings because yours are somehow more valid I guess?

I guess from being in the position your younger sister is in I can understand her side is just as valid, and not just dismissed because her hurt isn't yours.

I'm sure you likely had to give up some things for your younger sisters, and were just as hurt when your parents acted the way you're acting now, but you probably no longer remember it.

[Aragarthiel]

I actually haven't stolen anything from her, I went out of my way to make sure she had several days to celebrate her graduation. My daughter's party isn't until four days after her actual birthday, when our dad will likely have gone back home 1,000 miles away because he's there for her graduation and can't afford to stay in town that long.

I get that she has real reasons to be upset. But she makes problems where there are none, like with her graduation, or she complains about the tiniest things. She actually told our mom while I was still pregnant that she was afraid that my daughter would take all of the attention away from her, so she hated her. An unborn baby!

If she were living with our parents, they'd tell her the same thing I was always told about a lot of things: get over it. You either get cheese or pick toppings off the meat lover's, we don't have pepperoni. No, you can't see your boyfriend this weekend, you just saw him yesterday and we have things to do.

I know this sounds like I'm just trying to minimize her feelings, but I am not exaggerating. The pizza thing? She complained ALL NIGHT about it, saying it ruined a good time. She keeps going on about her graduation, when I really can't do any more to get out of her way about it except not throwing a party at all. I'm already stretching it as it is to get our dad to be there. He's only met his only grandchild once and I know he wouldn't want to miss her first birthday, so she's getting awfully close to the line between where I give in out of respect for her big day, and where I get angry at her because she's intruding on my daughter's time with her grandpa.

[BlaqueKatt]

If she were living with our parents, they'd tell her the same thing I was always told about a lot of things: get over it.

that doesn't make it right, and goes to show that her coping skills are vastly different from yours, because she's not you and wasn't raised like you, yet you compare her situation to yours.

I know this sounds like I'm just trying to minimize her feelings, but I am not exaggerating.

you're also not seeing much beyond how it affects *you*, You're not putting yourself in her shoes(empathy), and merely thinking she's doing it to cause drama, there's a word for that fundamental attribution error

It's very possible she lacks in coping skills due to the way she was raised, and while it's obvious to you, it isn't to her, so you get frustrated because of something not her fault. This should highlight that while she "has it good", she really doesn't, because not being taught how to deal with things, that's a HUGE drawback that no amount of luxury can compensate for. There also may be other issues you don't know about(psychological, health, stress, etc.), or that she can't talk about and it's manifesting in this manner. I don't have any answers, because the people that treated me badly, cut me off rather than look at how I was being treated. (cognitive dissonance-they saw themselves as good people, yet treated me horribly, good people don't do that, so to protect their beliefs, remove any interaction with me.)

a bit more on cognitive biases

[AmbrosiaWriter]

So should she just cancel her daughter's birthday entirely? Are you ignoring that Ara has made every concession she can short of just not letting her father get to see his granddaughter so that the sister can feel special?

The birthday party is three whole days AFTER the graduation, three days AFTER the daughter's actual birthday.

The sister reminds me of my boyfriend's sister. She was born in July, and that means - according to her - that the ENTIRE month of July is solely devoted to her birthday.

Some people really are just that self centered.

[Aragarthiel]

you're also not seeing much beyond how it affects *you*

I really don't think I can. I mean, I have to draw the line somewhere between graduation party and birthday party. As a mother, I am obligated to do that. My role as a mother comes before my role a a sister and I know that makes me biased. But when she keeps going on about how I'm going to ruin her graduation, it really infuriates me.

I admit, I was wrong for automatically assuming she has it better, but if all she has to complain about is that she got to meet the President instead of spending 20 minutes talking to her boyfriend, I really can't see how she could have it that bad. I'm not good at psychology, though, it's hard trying to figure myself out as it is.

The small issues I try to talk over with her, but sometimes, it's impossible with her. You try to mitigate the problem and you get a lot of "*Sigh* No, it's fine" and "Just forget about it." Then she keeps whining. If I try to help, it doesn't change anything, so I stopped letting her make me feel bad. I may be a bad sister for this, but at some point, you (generic "you") have to draw a line.

Ambrosia- just to clear it up, daughter's birthday is the day BEFORE graduation. Party is four days after birthday, three days after graduation. I know it gets confusing.

I just wanted to add- BlaqueKatt, I really enjoy getting to talk this over with someone who can clarify things a bit more. I'm not really trying to argue, though I can see it might come across as such. It's a combination of my frustration at her for continuing to whine about the same things, and my frustration at myself for not being able to help her. She's my baby sister, I'll always love her and I've done so much to take care of her, it just gets to me that she can't appreciate that.

[TheHuckster]

So, your sister's graduation is on Wednesday, and the birthday party is on Sunday... I must be missing something because I cannot for the life of me figure out how on earth that "ruins" her graduation in any shape or form. Did you leave out something like her having a graduation party on Sunday? Or is she unreasonably expecting you to spend the entire week (or more?) honoring her graduation and ignoring your daughter's birthday?

[Aragarthiel]

She hasn't actually announced IF she's having a graduation party, let alone WHEN. I'm almost expecting her to say "I want my party on Sunday!" then act like I ruined it.

[Rageaholic]

that doesn't make it right, and goes to show that her coping skills are vastly different from yours, because she's not you and wasn't raised like you, yet you compare her situation to yours.



you're also not seeing much beyond how it affects *you*, You're not putting yourself in her shoes(empathy), and merely thinking she's doing it to cause drama, there's a word for that fundamental attribution error

It's very possible she lacks in coping skills due to the way she was raised, and while it's obvious to you, it isn't to her, so you get frustrated because of something not her fault. This should highlight that while she "has it good", she really doesn't, because not being taught how to deal with things, that's a HUGE drawback that no amount of luxury can compensate for. There also may be other issues you don't know about(psychological, health, stress, etc.), or that she can't talk about and it's manifesting in this manner. I don't have any answers, because the people that treated me badly, cut me off rather than look at how I was being treated. (cognitive dissonance-they saw themselves as good people, yet treated me horribly, good people don't do that, so to protect their beliefs, remove any interaction with me.)

a bit more on cognitive biases

While I normally take that side of the argument, as I hate my problems being belittled, I can understand where the OP is coming from. It's one thing to be frustrated about something (no matter how silly), but it's another to harp on and on about it, causing more grief for everyone. In the case of the graduation/birthday conflict, it sounds like WLS (Whiny Little Sister) is being extremely selfish. Especially as she's harping about something that ultimately affects her less than the OP (worse case scenario: the birthday and graduation are celebrated on the same day.) OP is probably already stressed out as she is, so I can't blame her for feeling jaded toward WLS's problem.

[s_stabeler]

judged on your standards.
I've been told I was "whiny and entitled" because for over a decade with my ex husband, his family, without fail planned something big, usually last minute, anytime I had planned something months in advance. I didn't have a wedding day(yup, sister married somone she met on myspace 4 months prior, NEVER got a birthday party of any kind because same sister planned her induction for my birthday, and the one cousin had a birthday the week after)

So what I'm saying is, your judging her better life by your standards, which isn't what she's living. How would you feel if the same was done to you? I realise your just venting but this is a tad like FTSTS.

um, in this case, the whiny kid hasn't even indicated she's having a graduation party, so any clash would be more like the opposite of what you are saying.

Second, the op's kid's birthday party doesn't actually interfere with the whiny kid's graduation at all, AND if the kid's birthday party is put off, the kid's not going to be able to see his grandfather.

Basically, the whiny kid wants there to be absolutely no celebration f any kind except her graduation within a timeframe ( apparently a week, but who knows?) of her graduation, despite not actually planning a celebration of her graduation herself. In short, the whiny kid apparently wants to be able to dictate the ability of the kid to have their birthday celebrated, and/or to be able to dictate if her neice/nephew can see their grandfather. THAT is objectively unreasonable, no matter where you are coming from.

plus, at no point does the birthday party actually clash with the graduation. It's more like the grandfather noticed that with them so close together, he could come to both, and the whiny kid decided to throw a tantrum because she wanted her father not to go to her niece/nephew's birthday party.

can I also point out that the father of the OP & whiny kid has seen his grandkid exactly ONCE before, and almost certainly himself wants to be there for the birthday party and the graduation.This is NOT a situation where the grandfather can't be there for bot graduation AND birthday party.( if it as a case of the grandfather having to choose, I'd agree graduation is more important. but when it's graduation alone or both, then attending both is better.

Again, the whiny kid loses exactly NOTHING if the birthday party goes ahead as scheduled. When a whiny kid starts trying to dictate schedules of things that do not interfere with her own plans? thye need to be told to mind their own business.

[Aragarthiel]

if it as a case of the grandfather having to choose, I'd agree graduation is more important. but when it's graduation alone or both, then attending both is better.

I agree with this totally. If he really had to choose, my sister's graduation will only happen once, and my daughter will have more birthdays. I know, though, that his health is declining (he's only 45 and already on an oxygen tank and using a cane) and it's making it hard for him to travel, so we're not sure how many more times he'll get to see her. It would upset me if he couldn't be there, but I'd understand.

The only reason I'm insisting on a party at all is because I want to have pictures of the two of them together. I know she'll like it when she's older, not to mention that really, nobody knows if those will be the last pictures of my dad. He could have 20+ years on him, or he could die tomorrow. He's just in that kind of health.

[BlaqueKatt]

I just wanted to add- BlaqueKatt, I really enjoy getting to talk this over with someone who can clarify things a bit more. I'm not really trying to argue, though I can see it might come across as such. It's a combination of my frustration at her for continuing to whine about the same things, and my frustration at myself for not being able to help her. She's my baby sister, I'll always love her and I've done so much to take care of her, it just gets to me that she can't appreciate that.

No worries, I'm seeing it as trying to talk through a problem from different perspectives and life experiences. More than likely talking to your sis would result in talking past each other, or listening to respond vs. listening to understand. Which would be terribly unproductive to say the least.

Quite simply, I see some of my traits* in your description of your sister, and know that outsiders do see me that way sometimes, but the people that know me know it's a result of psychological issues, and not something entirely under my control.

*traits common to(I don't have all of these, but some had to be ruled out because they are similar in symptoms) PTSD, Depression, Anxiety, BPD, poorly developed coping skills, and Learned Helplessness

[Aragarthiel]

I know some of her behavior is just the way she is. She's always been the baby in the family and always got her way, and now that she's grown up, she's having to deal with the way the real world works. I, being the oldest, learned from a young age to make sacrifices for my little sisters, so her behavior only bothers me because of the lengths it pushes me to.

I know she has psychological problems, she picked them up at the same place I did, but was exposed to the problem for much less time than I was and from the accounts that I heard, it wasn't nearly as bad for her. I think those issues are piggybacking on her wanting everything her way and causing bigger issues. There's nothing I can do about her issues at this point, I just want her to stop complaining so much and stop expecting people to wait on her hand and foot.