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So I guess my oldest friend just "unfriended" me. I can't say I didn't see this coming, but I figured after 25 years of friendship I at least deserve the courtesy of an explanation. Or at least a fucking goodbye. We were best friends, once. And for a very long time, at that. I moved to a new town in fourth grade, and had the misfortune of attending a very cliquish public school The ruling social circle arbitrarily decided I wasn't cool, and he was one of the first social outcasts to reach out to me. We hung out all the time, and we had big dreams of collaborating on writing movies, books, and games from about sixth grade through the end of high school. He was the brother I never had, we were there for each other through all the usual hardships of growing up, and for the unusual hardships as well. Even after I was married and my ex forbade me from having any kind of social life, I'd still sneak phone calls to him from time to time, just to have someone to talk to who understood and appreciated me. When my marriage came to its inevitable-yet-crushing end, he was the second person I turned to (the first being my sister). He would drive 70 miles on his weekends to give me a shoulder to cry on as I tried to put the pieces of my life back together.
Things fell apart a little when he lamented the fact that he was once again back to living with his parents and had a terrible, dead-end job he hated while trying to get his graphic design degree (which has been his on-again, off-again pursuit for over a decade), and I pointed out that I had an entire house all to myself and had plenty of room and we could support each other while getting our collective shit in order. Then, after moving into my basement, he decided to drop the "I've always loved you" bomb. Which made me feel guilty because A) he'd been in love with me since middle school and I never noticed, and B) we have a lot in common but he is NOT my type. He just kind of let it hang out in the open like that, and I had no idea how to react so I just played the "Oh, I had no idea" card. I think that's where it went sour, because apparently I was supposed to let him take me to his bed. Maybe I should have let him, because not long after that he started complaining that he couldn't find a job in my town, that no one was hiring. I checked the job listings for him, I took him around places to put in applications, and he wound up begging for his old job back. 70 miles away. Then the commute became to much of a problem, and he rented the first shithole apartment he could find back home.
By the end of it, he had become resentful and he said a lot of things that really hurt me. About how my idea of "helping" him get a job was to find him jobs that were beneath him for some reason or another (bear in mind the job he had, the job he went back to and still has is loading stuff onto refrigerated trucks), that he couldn't risk being seen with me because what if his family found out that I took him to LGBT clubs (which he asked me to do because he thinks he might be bisexual and possibly transgender), and that he just couldn't handle the emotional roller coaster that was my life at the time (because, you know, my entire world had just crashed and burned so of course I had a lot of ups and downs). But after a few months, he cooled off and messaged me on facebook and we started talking again. It was awkward sometimes because the things he said the day he moved out still stung, and while I no longer considered him as close of a friend as I once did, we were still friends.
And now, apparently, we're not friends anymore and I don't even get to know why. We were debating some issues the other day, and while we disagreed, it was, I thought, a civil debate. We've had several heated arguments over the years, so I don't know what the proverbial final straw was in this case.
How do you that? How do just just click "unfriend" and leave it at that after being someone's friend for most of your lives? How do you just click a button and walk away from someone who's been there for you when you were at your lowest point, who you were there for when they were at their lowest? As I said, I can't say I'm totally surprised, because our relationship was damaged a little a few years ago, but it really pisses me off to be so casually discarded by him of all people.
I messaged him, and if I get a response I'm sure it'll be some bullshit about how he just needs a break from me because my opinions are overwhelming him and bringing him down (he's said that before). And I'll be blaming myself, because it's what I do. I should have noticed that he was in love with me when were in school even though he never said anything or even sent any signals hinting at it. And when he moved in with me, I should have let him fuck me, even though I've never thought about him that way.
I don't know. I don't know how to feel, I don't know what I want to gain from this. I just needed to rant. I've lost friends before. I've lost good friends over less. Hell, was dumped via Facebook once. But it really pisses me off that someone who has been able to share deeply intimate details with me that he's never told anyone can't even be bothered to tell me why he doesn't want to call me a friend anymore. It's disgusting a friendship that has endured so much for so long can be considered ended with one chickenshit click.
Things fell apart a little when he lamented the fact that he was once again back to living with his parents and had a terrible, dead-end job he hated while trying to get his graphic design degree (which has been his on-again, off-again pursuit for over a decade), and I pointed out that I had an entire house all to myself and had plenty of room and we could support each other while getting our collective shit in order. Then, after moving into my basement, he decided to drop the "I've always loved you" bomb. Which made me feel guilty because A) he'd been in love with me since middle school and I never noticed, and B) we have a lot in common but he is NOT my type. He just kind of let it hang out in the open like that, and I had no idea how to react so I just played the "Oh, I had no idea" card. I think that's where it went sour, because apparently I was supposed to let him take me to his bed. Maybe I should have let him, because not long after that he started complaining that he couldn't find a job in my town, that no one was hiring. I checked the job listings for him, I took him around places to put in applications, and he wound up begging for his old job back. 70 miles away. Then the commute became to much of a problem, and he rented the first shithole apartment he could find back home.
By the end of it, he had become resentful and he said a lot of things that really hurt me. About how my idea of "helping" him get a job was to find him jobs that were beneath him for some reason or another (bear in mind the job he had, the job he went back to and still has is loading stuff onto refrigerated trucks), that he couldn't risk being seen with me because what if his family found out that I took him to LGBT clubs (which he asked me to do because he thinks he might be bisexual and possibly transgender), and that he just couldn't handle the emotional roller coaster that was my life at the time (because, you know, my entire world had just crashed and burned so of course I had a lot of ups and downs). But after a few months, he cooled off and messaged me on facebook and we started talking again. It was awkward sometimes because the things he said the day he moved out still stung, and while I no longer considered him as close of a friend as I once did, we were still friends.
And now, apparently, we're not friends anymore and I don't even get to know why. We were debating some issues the other day, and while we disagreed, it was, I thought, a civil debate. We've had several heated arguments over the years, so I don't know what the proverbial final straw was in this case.
How do you that? How do just just click "unfriend" and leave it at that after being someone's friend for most of your lives? How do you just click a button and walk away from someone who's been there for you when you were at your lowest point, who you were there for when they were at their lowest? As I said, I can't say I'm totally surprised, because our relationship was damaged a little a few years ago, but it really pisses me off to be so casually discarded by him of all people.
I messaged him, and if I get a response I'm sure it'll be some bullshit about how he just needs a break from me because my opinions are overwhelming him and bringing him down (he's said that before). And I'll be blaming myself, because it's what I do. I should have noticed that he was in love with me when were in school even though he never said anything or even sent any signals hinting at it. And when he moved in with me, I should have let him fuck me, even though I've never thought about him that way.
I don't know. I don't know how to feel, I don't know what I want to gain from this. I just needed to rant. I've lost friends before. I've lost good friends over less. Hell, was dumped via Facebook once. But it really pisses me off that someone who has been able to share deeply intimate details with me that he's never told anyone can't even be bothered to tell me why he doesn't want to call me a friend anymore. It's disgusting a friendship that has endured so much for so long can be considered ended with one chickenshit click.
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