Unavoidable Awkwardness

[the_std]

I'm dealing with an incredibly awkward situation right now, and man, it's so frustrating.

A very important figure in my life has committed a horrible crime. They were arrested for possession of child pornography. As you can imagine, this has turned everything in my, and the associated family's, life upside down. It is going to be a long, emotional healing process that will leave everyone involved with issues and problems for the foreseeable future.

Understandably, this situation is awkward to discuss, share, or experience. No one in this world has a mental road map for how to deal with it. And I'd love to just ignore it, never bring it up, never even acknowledge it, in order to avoid this awkwardness. But, as I'm sure you can imagine, it comes up. It has to. It's affected every single part of me and the things I do, so being honest about it is part of dealing with it.

What I really, really hate is being unable to do anything about the awkwardness. Explaining the situation doesn't help, changing the subject doesn't help, joking about it really doesn't help (not that I'm able to joke about it yet). And the awkwardness, mixed with both revulsion and sympathy, on peoples' faces makes me want to throw up.

Not that I can really blame anyone, like I said. It's not their fault, nor is it mine. It's a byproduct of the decisions that this sick individual made, and that we are now forced to deal with. I just wish I could wave a magic wand and take the taboo away. Maybe then I could tell my coworkers why I cry spontaneously, or be really honest with my friends about how deeply this has affected me.

Bleh.

[Aragarthiel]

This sounds like one of those situations that you just have to come to terms with on your own. I'm pretty sure everyone faces something like that at least once in their lifetime. It really sucks because you look for advice but there's none to give, you're left with one option and that is just to cope the best you can while you try to move on.

[BlaqueKatt]

I just wish I could wave a magic wand and take the taboo away. Maybe then I could tell my coworkers why I cry spontaneously, or be really honest with my friends about how deeply this has affected me.

Bleh.

Maybe just explain that someone you thought you knew, did something unforgivable(and add that your not comfortable discussing what it is), and it's caused you emotional trauma because of how you viewed the person. Your're going through a grieving process, the person may still be alive, but your relationship with them has suffered a loss, and your image of them has died.

You could also simply state you've suffered a loss in your life, and are having difficulty coming to terms with what's happened. They don't need to know the details in order to support you.

[the_std]

Thanks for the advice, you two. I posted here mostly because I know this is a caring community, and the level of anonymity let me say some things I've been unable to say in real life. I really appreciate the perspective, especially yours, BK. I know you've gone through some traumas in your life as well, so your words really struck home for me.

I did try levelling with some very close friends, who I thought would be supportive. Unfortunately it went very poorly, so I feel extra gun shy about telling anyone else. Being more vague about it may be the key to talking about it successfully in the future.

[DGoddess]

That's a kind of situation I wouldn't wish on anyone . . . so incredibly awkward and heartbreaking.

My Mom and I went through similar when we found out that an old family friend was on the state sex offender registry. And I wasn't expecting to find anyone I knew - I was simply browsing around to see how many were near my road (this was back in the late 90's when our registry had just went online for public viewing) and saw his photo.

I was dumbfounded, to say the least. I'd know this guy since I was a little girl. Mama had met him back in the mid 70's when they worked together at a local seafood restaurant (he was her assistant manager) and they'd been friends ever since. He'd come to our home many times, as a matter of fact he and his family (he was married and father of 4 boys) across the road from us when we moved into our home on Delancy back in the late 70's (they moved a few months later to a house on the road behind our home and stayed there for a couple of years before they moved near his mother a few blocks away.)

I'd been to his home, played with his kids (his oldest son was my age, the younger 3 all had developmental issues and the youngest had CF.) He never, EVER behaved inappropriately around me or my brother - we always looked forward to seeing him b/c he was a barrel of fun and had the best sense of humor.

I told my Mom what I found online . . . and she was just as shocked as I was but then thought about it and then as we talked, we thought we'd figured out what happened.

His oldest son got hooked up w/a rather unsavory young lady and had a little girl with her. The grandbaby used to come over to their home and she was definitely Grandpa's girl. I'd see him and the wife out and they'd just gush and brag on their granddaughter . . . they really enjoyed her so much.

Then the son and the baby's mother broke up . . . and the baby's mother stopped allowing the baby to come over. And I was at that time barely acquainted w/her b/c I had just been transferred to Cone store and she worked there on the front end. She tried to make it out like the Grandpa (Mom's friend) had abused the child but after Mom had asked her buddy and his wife what was going on with the situation, they explained that their son broke up with her and she was trying to use the baby to get back at all of them b/c of the breakup - so she made up stuff about the baby being sexually abused by the grandpa.

There wasn't enough evidence to prove anything - if there had been, he'd been in jail and his younger sons would have been placed in either group homes or medical facilities (his wife worked all the time and he mostly stayed home w/the boys) or with him not being in jail, his wife would have had to give up custody of the younger boys (or guardianship rather, as the next younger 2 were over 18 but not able to manage their own affairs.)

Such a sad situation all the way around. Even sadder our buddy passed away about 4 or 5 years ago now quite suddenly after a short illness. A year later, his wife lost their youngest child to pneumonia.

And I need to ask Mom tomorrow if she's talked to Beverly lately to see how she's doing.

Only thing I can recommend is not bring it up yourself . . . if your friend does, then listen quietly and be as supportive as you can. I know people say there are 3 sides to every story but each of us have to deal with it as best as we can and in our own individual way - there's no one size fits all approach.

Anytime you want to vent here, we're hear with an ear and a shoulder.

[the_std]

Oh DGoddess, that's an awful story. I hate that this pain can be used on innocent people.

In this case, the person confessed immediately, and there's a ton of evidence. It's nice that there isn't any of the confusion of not knowing for sure, but it's terrible to know for sure...

[KellyHabersham]

I can relate somewhat.....haven't gotten into great detail about it on here, but about two years ago, my daughter was falsely accused of molesting my sister's older daughter. (that's just a VERY brief description of the situation) I'm not sure how my sister explains why they've cut off contact with most of the family, but my mom won't talk about the situation unless it's someone who was already aware.

[Judecat]

My husband is serving 16 years in federal prison for "producing and distributing" child porn on the Internet. We were married almost 17 years when he go busted.
And it was really really hard, partially because we were both working for the same government agency when it happened, so everyone knew, I couldn't lie and pretend it didn't happen. He cost me my job, my house, my pets and a lot of friends, but I also found out who my true, real friends were.
It's been 8 years since he got locked up, and I'm pretty much over it -- I morned the dead relationship, and came to terms with it. I miss the good times, but I don't miss him any longer. I've a new job, a new place to live, and a bunch of new friends who don't know him and never will. I just haven't divorced him yet because of lack of money --not so much for the divorce but for the catholic annulment that goes with it, but that's a separate issue.

I just posted this so that you will know you are not alone.